The Town That Billy Sunday Couldn't Shut Down

I mentioned a while back that I found an opening for a writing job based out of Chicago and then didn't really bring it up again.  I wasn't really even very specific about it, except to mention a few lines from the application description and to self-flagellate my writing abilities re: "succinctness."  Last night I mentioned my tendency for non-disclosure and related it to the idea that I do it because I just don't want anybody to know the whole truth about me.  But there's more to it than that.

First, I only like talking about things I have all figured out.  Whenever I feel like I've broken down and and understood and resolved all conceivable aspects of something going on with me, then I'll feel like talking about it.  I don't want to leave myself unjustified and exposed to a question I don't know how to answer.  It's one of those ideas that sound stupid when you say it out loud, but I want people to think I'm really well-put-together and I'm afraid if I tell them I'm struggling through stuff I don't know how to figure out, they won't admire me as much anymore.  I like being told that I'm self-aware and insightful and if I can speak intelligently to the areas of my life that I'm "over," it sounds like I've really learned a lot and matured through some rough circumstances.

Second, I don't want to held accountable for stuff.  If everybody knows what's going on with me, they're gonna ask how I'm doing and if I've made any progress with the thing and I'm gonna have to tell them, no, I didn't really do anything all morning long except play computer games and screw around on the internet.  I want to be able to set my own schedule and get around to doing things whenever I feel like it and not have the hassle of everybody being "all up in my biz."

But the jist of the last post was kinda to describe this as a negative characteristic that needs to change.  And I said I was gonna utilize today's post to try and shift in that direction.  So, whatever... I guess this is it.

The job in Chicago is for a company called "Groupon."  They're a web-based company that puts together free coupons that get sent out daily via e-mail, discounting products and services for local businesses that are specific to their subscribers' zip code.  If you aren't familiar with the company, they're worth checking out if for no other reason than the fact that they have insane deals for a variety of businesses, from food to clothing to helicopter rides/lessons.  They  have open staff writer positions, which means there's no deadline for my application, but also that I'd probably end up having to move there if I were to actually get the job.  Which is fine, I'm not averse to moving for employment, it's just that... well...

1.  I've never lived outside of Texas and the thought of moving across the country to a place that actually gets snow in the winter kind of freaks me out.  I don't see myself as some country bumpkin who wouldn't be able to function in a "big city" environment, but Chicago is huge and I don't know the first thing about the city and I don't know anybody up there, so there's a lot of fear attached to the idea.

2.  Practically speaking, I have no idea what it takes to live in Chicago.  I don't know what housing costs, I don't know commuting is like, I don't know what's the "good" part of town... it's just a gigantic question mark for me in terms of whether or not I could actually pull off the basics of day-to-day living.

3.  Spiritually, I've made a lot of progress over the last three years and built up a large support system for myself in Austin.  Even going back to Dallas would be an upheaval for that, nevermind Chicago.  I'd be exposed to the temptations of laziness and isolation, plus have to rebuild meaningful relationships with a whole new set of people.  There wouldn't be much in the way of security-blankets to take with me.  I'd be pretty much alone in a humongous, unfamiliar city.

4.  I really like the prospect of being a writer in Chicago.  Like, really.  I get excited thinking about it.  It makes me want to go.  I know it would be hard and I'd have to adjust to a completely new and different life in a completely new and different place, but the thought of a challenge that big gets my blood pumping and feeling like I could actually do this and I don't want to get all excited about it and then not be called back or, worse, just get rejected.  I don't want to mentally allow myself to let go of everything I have in Austin only to get hung out to dry and be despondent when I have to figure something else out.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to anybody other than myself and I'm still kinda shaky about putting all this out there.  I still might go ahead and delete this whole thing before I get to the end of the paragraph.  But I really do feel like it's a good opportunity that I should take advantage of because there are so many others in life I've just let go because I was afraid or didn't think I could handle the change.  In spite of the risks, there are a lot of ways in which this could serve as a great first step toward the rest of my life and I think it would be stupid to back down from it.  I need to do a little more leg-work on the financial logistics of living there, but I'm gonna try for it anyway.  I'll keep you guys updated on how it goes.

Well, well... look at that.  I didn't delete it.  Crazy.