What Do You Want?

I know I said I was gonna take the week off and work on my application, but I haven't really done much on the second part, so I feel like it should be okay for me to go back on the first part, too.  I think I'm gonna just try to keep it brief and get back to work on some other really important stuff, like folding this stack of shirts that's been sitting on my bed for a week.

And yes, to answer your question, I've been sleeping next to a stack of perfectly clean shirts for a week.

I don't know if I've talked about it in detail much (and I'm too tired to look at the back-'blogs and see) but I'm taking a class at my church called "Financial Peace" with my friends Bryan and Claire.  As you might guess, it's a class on personal finances that teaches you how to do a written budget and make a game-plan for your life in terms of money.  It's centered around material put together by a guy named Dave Ramsey who's been doing financial counseling for decades and is probably a bazillionaire by now.

Sunday was the third week and I think it's the first time that most everybody in the class spoke up and contributed to the discussion at the end after the video portion was over.  The material was pretty intense this week in terms of budgeting mechanics, so it kinda made for an intense discussion.  What interested me most about it was how panicked everybody sounded.  Nothing was on fire and none of us were in trouble with the law or anything, but everybody had these nervous ticks like Dave Ramsey was gonna walk into the room and demand to see all of our bank statements and ask us why we haven't been buying shampoo and conditioner in bulk and on sale to save money.  Whenever somebody spoke up, they would get all shifty in their chairs and not make eye-contact with anybody else and use a lot of jittery hand motions. 

One lady in particular talked about her real estate business as though her baby were dying of cancer.  I'm not trying to be cruel or funny... she really seemed that sad about her business.  She basically said she didn't think it would be possible for her to do a budget and make any progress with it because she hadn't sold a house in months and wasn't sure if she was going to make it in such a bad market.  The guy leading the class tried to be optimistic and talk about his own successes in making a budget, but then some other guy with an irregular income spoke up about how he was scared to do anything with money until he could save up an emergency fund and everybody in the room just got really gloomy.  The real estate lady started talking again and she sounded even more drained and discouraged than before.  It was like every terrible thing in life had happened on a Tuesday morning and we were asking her to throw us all a party on Wednesday afternoon.

It surprised me, really.  I listen to Dave Ramsey's radio show whenever I can catch it and he gets people like this calling in all the time.  They always wanna explain to him why their situation is different and how they can't do this or that because they're too broke or owe too much money or whatever.  He never really lets people finish their thoughts when they start talking like this and I always used to think it was kinda rude of him.  But listening to this woman talk, I started seeing a lot of sense in cutting her off.  I didn't do it, but it made sense to me why Dave Ramsey would have.  The more this lady talked, the more she believed what she was saying, because the less anybody had anything to say in response to her.  It was as if our inability to react was a positive confirmation that, yes, her situation is so totally messed up that all we could do was sit there with our mouths open and gawk at her.

I've been thinking about that lady a lot this week and what Dave Ramsey might say to her.  I mean, other than interrupting her with "Oh, bull!"  I've been thinking about how I don't really know anything about real estate (and that's mostly why I didn't say anything) and how I don't really have any kind of time-tested advice or heart-warming encouragement to give her.  The only thing I could think of was this: What would it take for you to make a sale?  I mean, I understand that you need a buyer and the buyer has to have money and the economy's bad and so on and so forth... but I can't believe it's totally impossible to sell a house right now.  It would be hard, I'm sure, and I'm not going to beat this lady up or call her a liar, but I imagine it could be done with a lot of hard work and sacrifice.  So, my main question for her at this point is this: how hard are you willing to work for a sale, even if it's a small one, and what would you be willing to sacrifice?

And this is where it comes back to me and why I've been thinking about Real Estate Lady all week.  I'm not a realtor and I don't sell houses, nor do I particularly want to be.  But what do I want to do?  Do I want to coast through life and make just enough money to get by on my bills and be more or less sedentary from now until the day I die?  Do I want to keep working in a place where my treatment at the hands of the management is subject to whatever (usually terrible) mood they happen to be in that day?  Do I want pornography to be my source of sexual satisfaction?

The obvious answer to all of these questions is "no," but if I were to sit in a room with a bunch of other people around me, I'd probably start getting all squeaky-voiced and hand-gesturey as I explained to everybody why there's really nothing I can do about all of that.  I'd talk about the economy and my irregular income and how A + B = I can't make a plan and live by it.  But I get the feeling that if I were on Dave Ramsey's radio show, he'd interrupt me and list off three things I could do right now, today, to move toward a better place.

I guess, at the end of the day, I'm left with a couple thoughts.  The first is that I need to answer the question, once and for all, whether I really think it's possible to achieve the things I want to achieve in life.  Is it possible for me to get a job I'm happy with?  Is it possible for me to be financially responsible and start winning with money?  Is it possible for me to be in a successful relationship?  Is it possible for me to be healthy and have a body I'm not ashamed of?  Is it possible for me to live a life free of addiction in any of its forms?  Yes, I think it is.  In fact, I think it has to be.  If it's not possible for me to have or do those things, then I won't have or do them.  If it's not possible, I can't.  But I think it is.  And even if it's not, I'll still die a failure, just like I would have anyway, but it won't be for lack of trying.  

So, then, if it's possible, what am I willing to do to get there?  What's the sacrifice that has to be made?  Will I have to get rid of everything I own?  Will I have to give up everything forever?  What if I never get to eat at Chipotle again or only get five hours of sleep every night?  I get overwhelmed when I think about these things in an Always v. Never kind of way, but what if I narrowed that window down to just where I'm at right now?  What if getting a job I love means not playing World of Warcraft until I get it?  What if trimming down the last few pounds of fat I have means not eating cookies and exercising more often until I get to the weight/body shape I'm after?  What if finishing a job application means staying up a little later and being tired tomorrow?  Are these difficult things to ask of myself?  Certainly.  Are they impossible?  Not at all.  And, frankly, I'm tired of waiting around for the stuff I want to fall out of the sky and into my lap.  I've wasted enough time with that already.  Let's get to work, people...