A Number With No Name

Hey... do you have a minute?  I kinda need to talk to you.

Whew... okay.  

Man, this is gonna be harder than I thought... 

Boy... Okay.  

Okay.  

Okay.

So, you know how sometimes...?  

No, that's not right.  Hang on.

Just hang on.  Okay.  Come on.  No, Seriously.  I can do this.  Okay.

Look, I really like you.  Like, a lot.  I like you a lot.  Not "a lot" a lot, but I like you.  A lot.

Okay.

So, here's the thing: we've been doing whatever this is we've been doing for about a month or so.  I mean, I'm still not really sure what to call it, but it's been good, right?  I mean, like, we're both into it, you know?  It's good?  Yeah.  No, me too.  Totally.  I totally dig this.  It's totally cool.  It's good.  I like it.  And you.  Like, I'm happy with the way things are going and it's been totally awesome, you know?  It's really awesome.  Like, totally.

But I mean... like, you don't wanna keep things this way forever, right?  I mean, like... you want things to kinda move forward and stuff, right?  Like, you think about that kinda stuff...?  Yeah?  Like, I don't wanna be all weird or anything, and I mean, this is totally just batting ideas around, but like... what does serious look like for you?  I mean, I don't have a lot of experience with this kinda thing, so in a lot of ways I feel like I'm just shooting in the dark... 

Yeah.  Yeah.  No, I mean, like... I'm not trying to jerk you around or anything.  It's not like I'm just kinda hanging out until something better comes along.  Like I said before, I really like you.  It's just hard for me with stuff like this because, you know... like, I really like you and I want you to like me, too, so... I guess... I guess I just get insecure about it sometimes, you know?

I mean like, take a look at yesterday.  Yesterday was like, under 30 page views.  And I mean, I'm totally not just doing this just to see how many times you check it.  Like, I'm not trying to keep score or anything, but whenever you don't check it, I feel like you're just not paying attention to me, you know?  Like, it just makes me feel all unimportant and stuff, you know what I mean?

Well, I mean... yeah, I know you're busy and stuff.  And like, I totally don't want to distract you from all that stuff.  It's important, I get that.  I don't wanna be a distraction for you.  But like, last Thursday's post was over 80.  I mean, I dunno... maybe it was just a bad week for you or something.  I get that.  I just... I just wanna feel like I'm important to you, you know?  Like, I don't just wanna be a thing in your life that you feel like you can walk away from whenever you want, you know?  I wanna matter to you.  I want you to want to talk and stuff, you know?  I dunno... maybe I'm just being stupid and over-sensitive.  Maybe I'm way off.

Look, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for being all stupid and weird and bringing all this up...  Go ahead and go back to checking your Facebook or whatever.  I'm sorry.  It's really not that important.  I just kinda freaked out for a minute.  Sorry.

I don't think you guys can see it, but there's a page titled "Stats" on here that shows all these little graphs and charts detailing how many people look at my 'blog every day.  It gives me numbers for the total page-views of my 'blog over time, numbers for the month, numbers for the day, etc.  It even tells me how many people are looking at my 'blog at this exact moment.  Boy, talk about the wrong kind of information for a neurotic to have...

I really don't wanna be like that, but the above part in italics is basically what happens in my brain every time I click the link for that page.  Sadder still is the fact that I've actually had conversations like the one above with people I've been in relationships with (I'll thank you not to comment on them [you know who you are]) and yes... I really do say "like," "I mean," "right?" and "you know?" that freaking much.  It's annoying.  I'm aware.

But I was talking with some friends last night about something that made me think of this.  We were discussing the controversy surrounding Terry Jones (this Terry Jones, not that Terry Jones) and somebody said something to the effect of "I just don't understand what would motivate a person to even want to be that divisive in the first place... is it just the attention?" and I thought about that a lot.  I mean, I'm sure the attention was a factor, but I saw a few things about the guy and he didn't seem like the type who just set out to get on TV.  At least, not with that moustache.  

As messed up as it was, I think he probably made the decision, originally, based out of some sort of genuine conviction.  I'm glad he got talked out of it, certainly, but I think that, before the whole thing blew up, he probably believed it was the right thing; that he really should do it.  But then, I think, it suddenly became this whole "cause" because it was such a fine line between freedom of expression and loving thy neighbor.  People got really riled up about it (and rightly so) and all of a sudden it was really important who said what and which side was right and I imagine he was forced into this decision moment where he had to rethink everything based on the fact that he wasn't just some random guy doing what seemed best by himself anymore.  He had a platform and a voice and people really cared about what he did with it all of a sudden.

And I thought, you know, it's a lot easier to seek validation in numbers and in persons rather than in the truth.  It was probably a lot easier to feel like it was a good idea to burn a Qur'an when he had forty or fifty people around who all agreed with him.  Out of everyone he knew, or maybe out of his whole congregation, I imagine that was a lot of people.  And it was probably a lot easier for him to decide not to go through with it when a president and an army general asked him not to instead of just, oh, say, hundreds of thousands of faceless Christians across the country.  

It's easier because "us" verses "them" always is. When I can count the "yeas" and "nays," it's easy to decide who wins.  I don't have to think about convictions and principles and question whether or not my own personal motives or agendas are getting in the way (or are just plain wrong).  I don't have to say "You know, I had this really stupid moment where I came up with this really horrible idea that would've offended millions of people and contradicted everything about what I say I believe.  I let the attention go to my head and acted like a jerk.  I'm really sorry."

And I feel like this relates to my 'blog in a way because, as much as I don't want to be Terry Jones, I think I'm just as susceptible to pandering for attention as he is.  I like my 'blog and I want it to be a success.  But how do I define "success?"  I mean, I don't necessarily want EVERYONE to read and enjoy it, but I want my friends to keep up with it and, if I'm honest, there's a part of me that's disappointed and discouraged when I find out that a lot of them don't.  I don't want it to become this sort of merit badge thing where I can feel like it went well (or didn't) based on how many people looked at it today.  I want to be able to look back over time and see ways that my writing has improved and that the jokes got funnier and tighter and I got better and better at cutting out all the stupid, extraneous information that made it feel long-winded and boring.  I don't just want to keep clicking the "Stats" button and hoping you cared about me today.  I mean, a lot of people like Dane Cook, but he's not funny.  I don't wanna be Dane Cook.

I probably will keep checking the stats, though, because I'm a stupid person and I do stupid things.  I also like to see, over time, which posts people enjoy and keep coming back to.  So far, the one about foods I don't like is the most popular one.  Maybe I should go back to that.  Maybe I'm like "Weird Al" Yankovic: I can have a successful career in twenty-or-so years, but for now I gotta pay my dues and put out a food album.  Now there's a comedian for ya...  "Weird Al" is funny.  I'm okay with being "Weird Al."