Okay, so I'm headed to lunch today and decide to make a pit-stop before I clock out. I had decided eat at Potbelly after a conversation with a friend reminded me that it's the only place in town to get Zapp's chips as a part of my meal, but it's on the other side of the parking lot from where I work and I know I'm gonna have to go at some point between walking there and back. I only mention this to show that there was a specific decision moment involved before this whole thing happened that, had I merely decided to go once I got to Potbelly or wait until I got back, could have stopped this entire 'blog from being an actual thing. Like, I distinctly remember thinking "You know, I could just hold it... nah. First things first!"
So I walk into the bathroom and I'm just minding my own business. It's an hour after I was supposed to go to lunch (because I had to cover somebody else's and wait until they got back) and all I can think about is what kind of sandwich I'm gonna get from Potbelly, or if I even want a sandwich at all because they have salads there, too, that aren't bad. I'm so wrapped up in the process of isolating the thought of what it is I'm really hungry for that I don't really register the guy standing at the urinal. I mean, I realized that there was a guy at the urinal; it wasn't like he surprised me or anything, I just wasn't paying much attention to him. Except... well, except that he was standing a good 18-24 inches back from the shortest urinal in there and started staring me down as soon as I walked into the bathroom.
Seeing as most readers of my 'blog are women (at least, most of the responders/commenters are women) I should probably take a moment to explain a bit of men's bathroom etiquette. First off, as you might have already known/guessed, there's a short urinal in most bathrooms for little kids and/or midgets to use. It's a fully functioning urinal and handy in a pinch, but it sits a full ten to twelve inches lower than the others and leaves one feeling rather... *ahem* exposed, as it were. Unless there's a line waiting, most dudes will bypass it for the regular-height unit.
Second, there's the issue of personal privacy. Dividers are a help, but it's not like a stall or anything, so there's still a fair amount of visibility achievable in spite of them. One need not lean so far in as to end up touching anything to anything, but it's a commonly understood principle that proper positioning is six to twelve inches away, depending on the amount of "poolage" on the floor, so as to keep private affairs private and reduce/avoid any potential back-splash.
Third, and most importantly, is the matter of eye-contact. By which, of course, I mean there is none. Ever. At all. Whatsoever. I'm not sure where this one came from or why it holds true, but it totally does. Walk into any men's restroom in America and you know what you'll find? A whole bunch of dudes not looking at each other. There's this weird, head-down walk we do in and out of the bathroom, like we're really focused on something and can't be distracted by our surroundings. We might glance up at someone we need to walk around to see which direction they're heading so that we don't run into each other, but it's always this sort of brief, eye-bounce like we just so happened to be looking up at that exact moment and were surprised to find somebody standing there. It's kinda like what happens when you take a dog and try to make it look at itself in the mirror: we act like we just noticed something about our shoes or on the floor or in the tile pattern on the wall and have to stare at it to figure out what it is. But whatever happens, NOBODY makes eye-contact.
Any one of these things is forgivable, but I basically walked into a three-strike rule in progress. Like, there I was, just doing my normal thing, and then BAM! I've got Weirdo McCreepster staring me down with a wide-angle shot of his "business." I was already past the sinks when I realized all of this, so it was too late to just act like I came in to wash my hands. It was really unnerving and I kinda got stage fright for a minute.
And then something REALLY weird happened.
The guy basically followed me with his eyes until I got to the big-boy urinal two doors down from him and then let out this really loud, exasperated sigh, like I had walked in and asked him, mid-stream, if he could spare a few minutes to talk about the Lord. He immediately stopped peeing and walked to the stall on my right, grumbling as he wiped off the seat and sat down. What followed was one of the most heinous, otherworldly noises I think I've EVER heard in my life. It sounded like an alien giving birth to a baby elephant while pouring a bag of wet potting soil into a bucket of water. In order to keep from laughing/vomiting on myself, I disengaged and left to wash my hands in the break room for fear of lingering too long in the fallout zone.
Now, working retail, I should clarify that I have seen and heard some downright abominations of nature in the restrooms. I have literally seen the aftermath of an individual who "didn't make it." It was like a crime scene where a person had been stabbed to death, if their veins had been full of diarrhea. I won't say it's desensitized me to any sort of wretchedness one might see in a public bathroom, but there's certainly a degree of shock and awe that one gets over, having seen the contents of a human being's bowels spattered across a large portion of ceramic tile. This, though, was different. It wasn't disgusting as much as it was unnerving and, while I was definitely grossed out, I was left with a number of questions:
Who was this person and why was he staring at me? Did he think he recognized me? Was he expecting privacy in a public restroom? Was there a "Keep Out" sign that I missed? Why on earth was he using the short urinal? Had there been two other people in there before me? How long had he been standing there? In fact, why was he standing at the urinal at all? He obviously needed to use the stall... How was alien-elephant-potting-soil-baby that much of a surprise to him?
I guess this is why guys never make eye-contact in the bathroom. Bathrooms are such vulnerable places. It's the one room of any building in which we're all the same; we're all connected by a single thread of humanity that none of us is immune to. Even if we're not the guy making the walk of shame out of the stall, apologizing to everyone else with our body language and posture, we know that it could very well have been us and, had we not made a few wiser decisions for breakfast or lunch, it might've. We'd all rather be at home, with the safety and security of our own toilet, where we know exactly whose curly, black hair that is and how long it's been there.
At least, that's why I never make eye-contact in the bathroom...
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