I kinda like this PM 'blog deal... it gives me a chance to sort of decompress and reflect on the day's events and I like it. I'm gonna try more of a dusk-'blog thing and see how it goes. Well, except for tomorrow and Saturday, because I have to work from 3:00 to midnight. And not Sunday, because I'm giving myself (and you) the day off. And probably not Monday, either, 'cause I think I have to work Monday night, too. Whatever. It's 8:30 now, so let's do this thing.
I don't know if you knew this about me or not, but I'm a pretty uptight and neurotic guy. Just in case the last six posts didn't scream that at you, let me explain why I say that.
1. I care what literally everybody thinks about me. Even if it's hoping that they think I don't care what they think about me, I want everybody to have a certain perception of me that dictates the way I want them to behave and treat me. I want all my friends to think I'm awesome so that they want to hang out and be nice to me. I want girls to think I'm the finest figure of a man they've ever laid eyes on. I want everyone on my "The List" to think I'm some kind of incandescent meteor-breath who will absolutely demolish them if they ever try to cross me. I want everyone to know what a huge deal I am, because maybe if they all finally catch on, it'll start being true.
2. I was raised with a legalistic view of God and still carry within me the propensity to believe that being able to justify myself and my behaviors is the single most important aspect of living. Being right and checking things off the list of "Everything I Do That Deserves Some Freaking Credit Around Here" are probably 65-90% of what consumes my thought life at any given moment (on a good day). The idea is to constantly be on the look-out for anything and everything that might prop you up a little higher and either a. make sure you either have or are working on getting whatever that thing is, assuming that it's possible for you to achieve, or b. make sure you can explain why it's somehow beneath you to try if you can't. It's a defensive position that never sleeps because the moment it switches off, you're at risk of being overtaken by someone who's better at playing the game than you are.
3. As if those two things weren't bad enough, you couple those with my past and my propensity for failure and the system almost collapses on itself. I say "almost" for two reasons. First, as long as nobody knows the real truth about how broken I am and who used to be (or if I can at least spin it so that it helps me come across as a more well-rounded and down-to-earth kinda guy) then I can still make the public opinion of me work in my favor. If it seems like I learned something valuable or had some kind of huge epiphany rooted in the bad things that have happened to me and that I've done, I can still try to stand on what other people think of me to validate whatever it is that I don't like about myself or am insecure about. Second, fuel for the legalistic fire comes from a perceived need for God and everybody else to be indebted to me. The idea is that if I do the right things and hang out with the right people, then everything is obligated to go my way and nothing bad should happen to me. If I tithe like I'm supposed to, God's supposed to bless my finances. If I don't have sex 'til I'm married, then both God and my wife owe it to me to fulfill me through my marriage. If any one of these things starts to fall apart, I can immediately point to my list and explain all parties concerned how they need to get back in line and pull their weight because I've done my part and it's time for them to start doing theirs.
Sorry if this comes across as a lot of crazy back-and-forthness. If it seems like a lot of nonsense and circular reasoning and you'd have to work really hard and do a bunch of mental gymnastics to jump through all the hoops to make sense of this and believe it, well... I guess that's probably 'cause it is and you would.
But it amounts to me being an uptight and neurotic person exactly because it's so much work. The burden of responsibility is on me to figure out how to put all this stuff together and make it work and come up with a new plan (and the strength to go do it) when the old one stops working. It's an all-consuming mess of what I'm not and what I don't have and how to convince everybody that I don't have as many needs and weaknesses as I actually do.
Perhaps an example is in order. In my ongoing search for new employment, I found a listing for a company based out of Chicago. The more I read the description of the job, the more excited I became about the opportunity, until I read the following statement:
"Job Requirements: Excellent writing skills, attention to detail, and bizarre sense of humor. Experience is a plus, but not necessarily required if you have compelling samples. We'll work with anyone who can write succinctly, persuasively, and intelligently."
Now, here's how I think most of you would react to this, or at least how you would tell me that I should react:
Man, what a great find! That sounds like something I could do! I should look into this and see where it goes!
Here's how *I* think about this:
"Succinctly?" Sonofa... Well, whatever. I'm sure something else will turn up...
The primary thought driving this crazy horseless carriage is that if I'm missing something, or if the stars don't align just right on this thing, I'm vulnerable and risk failure and embarrassment at being rejected. I feel like I'm immediately disqualified because, in my own estimation of my skills and abilities, I don't inherently possess and exude whatever it is that I think they mean by "succinctly." Never mind that I've spent countless hours whittling down pages and pages of presentation material down to something manageable and easy to communicate in five to ten minute blocks. Never mind that I've written countless papers tailored to match the precise expectations of the professors in terms of length. Never mind the number of people I have who can vouch for my ability to put together engaging and informative material that doesn't lose its audience due to boredom or inattentiveness... No, pretty much all I can do is think of all of those times that I've been laughed at or ridiculed for not getting to the point quick enough or spending too much time trying to be funny and not enough time trying to be informative. The only memories that come up are the confused looks from audiences or jokes that fell flat or the people who've fallen asleep during my presentations.
"Succinctly..." God, they might as well have asked me to speak Russian.
I went to my great-grandmother's grave site a month or so ago when I was in Dallas for a few days. It was the first time I had been in town since Christmas and the first time I had been back to the cemetery since her funeral in November. I remember feeling sad that she hadn't lived to see me graduate, so I prayed for a minute and thanked God for my grandmother and the encouragement that she was throughout the whole process of me going back to school. I felt so loved by God through Grandma and, as I started thinking over what an example of godly love she was, I flashed on a few verses of scripture that I felt it would be appropriate to read over her grave. I ran to my car and grabbed my Bible and went back to read the passage aloud. I was openly weeping as I read it, but erupted with a bizarre, tear-soaked laughter when I got to the whole "love does not... boast; it does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful" thing.
Now, please understand... I loved my great-grandmother more than I think I've ever loved anybody in my whole entire life but, to be completely honest with you, she could be kind of a cranky old bitch from time to time. Not to me, mind you... I carried the label of "grandson," which was basically a get-out-of-jail-free card for anything. But with everybody else, Grandma was kinda like dealing with the mafia: if you're "in," you're made and nobody can touch you; if you're "out," you're out for life and there's no getting back "in." She was as human as the rest of us, she had her good days and her bad ones and, in the end, she had her own faults and flaws that she carried with her to her grave. She could be so bitter at times, I could hardly stand to listen to her. Talking on the phone was an hours-long event that involved every detail of family/small-town gossip that she knew. There a lady who she went to church with for years that she had a long-standing feud with, who came up to my sister at the funeral and said how much she really loved my grandmother and how sorry she was they never buried the hatchet before she passed away. Like I said, she was always sweet to me, but she could be down-right rotten to other people.
But I loved her dearly and if I ever knew any one thing at all, I knew that she loved me. I would never have gone back to UT and graduated if I hadn't had her in my life, speaking truth and love and kindness to me when I needed to hear it most. When I believed I was worthless, she didn't. When I had nothing left to offer anybody, she still loved the sound of my voice. When I was at my lowest and in my deepest need, she was always there to hug my neck and feed me egg salad sandwiches and tell me how much she loved me. And because of these things, because of the power in them, for all her shortcomings, I can laugh and love her anyway. I mean, all things considered, twelve out of fifteen is nothing to shake a stick at.
So I think I'm going to go ahead apply for this thing anyway. I don't really want to because it's easier to accept failure if you never try, but I feel like I should. I feel like it would be good for me to work on putting together samples of what I can do and maybe be able to talk to some people about what's good about it, what it lacks, how I can improve it, etc. It seems like something worth sticking my neck out for, despite what the neurotic inside me is screaming. I think it would be a fitting tribute to a woman who modeled what it means to do the best you can with what you have and let God take care of the rest. I think there's wisdom in it.
I don't know if this qualifies as "succinct," but I don't think it matters, either. It's the best I have and I won't apologize for that.
Until tomorrow...
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