Okay... I'm probably going to piss off the only three or four people who actually read this stupid thing, but I'm not sure I really care right now. I've pretty much had about all I can take with the feedback. And I know it's just a meaningless attempt at social politeness and I know I'm probably being overly-sensitive and acting like a jerk to make this big of a deal out of it, but whatever... it's my effing 'blog and I can do what I want with it.
I'm starting to think that most people don't stop to process what they read before deciding to pitch in their two cents on the subject matter. I don't mind people telling me they enjoy reading my 'blog (even though that's not why I'm doing this), and I really wouldn't care if people were correcting my grammar or spelling or punctuation. It's the "Here's what I think about your ideas and what I think you should do with them" business that's getting to me. It's the same as telling me that you don't really care what I said, you just want to make sure that I know you're here and that your thoughts are important, too. It's oneupmanship, pure and simple.
Two posts ago, I just kinda dumped whatever was on my plate into the 'blog grinder and let whatever come out that was going to come out because I was too wrapped up in all that mess to come up with anything else. I admitted that it was all over the place and probably wouldn't make sense, but also said that I didn't care because sometimes life is messy and we all just have to deal with it however we can. (At least, that's what I was going for.)
Yesterday, I tried giving myself and whoever else might be reading this a bit of a break by shifting topics to something other than me and my emotional reactions to whatever drama was going on in my life. I tried getting away from what was happening to me, personally, and talking about something I had read recently. I know it was only a half-degree away from me-centeredness, but it was an effort nonetheless, and not a bad one, if I do say so myself.
And what did I get for all this? I got the hug-brigade telling me to cheer up and go back to talking about breakfast and the critics saying I lost steam and quit too early. Nobody asked a question, nobody suggested an alternative or asked for anything tangible, they just took their pot shots and went on with their day.
So yeah, it pissed me off. I know it seems like a stupid and pointless thing to get defensive about, but I'm the one setting aside one- and two-hour blocks of time each day to put this stupid thing together, and I don't need you summing up your thoughts on the matter in a blurb that took you three, maybe five minutes, tops, to crank out. What makes you think I need your judgment to be passed on what is, essentially, my own public journal?
And I know that even asking that question is hypocritical. I know that I'm accusing others of doing the very thing my 'blog exists to do. I know that the act of 'blogging, itself, is an exercise in narcissism. I know that it's obnoxious and soap-boxey and prone to degenerate into the arena of self-reflexivism. I get that.
But you know what? I'M OKAY WITH IT. I don't need permission from anybody to do this. I don't need anybody's permission to do it the way I want to do it. I don't 'blog because you want me to, anyway. I 'blog for anybody, really. I do it because I need to develop the discipline of writing every day; of taking an abstract thought or series of thoughts and making it/them tangible in an organized way. Some days I'm going to do that well. Some days I won't. If you appreciate it, great. I'm glad that other people get something out of it, too. But if you don't, well, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna sit around and worry about what I did wrong or how I could've helped you like it better.
I hid the comments because I don't want you to go back and look and try to figure out who I'm talking about. I'm not trying to address one specific person or slam anybody publicly and I didn't write this in the hopes of offending anyone. If it hurts your feelings for me to have said all this, I'm sorry. Like I said in the beginning, I know you were just trying to be nice and I'm probably just overreacting out of frustration. It's no coincidence, though, that the apology comes at the end, because 1. I really did/do want to say all that other stuff because I really did/do feel that way 2. I've said it before and I'll say it again, this is my effing 'blog and I can do what I want with it (and nobody's twisting your arm to read it) and 3. if you're not going to read all the way through to the end and pay attention throughout, then I don't have much sympathy for you, anyway.
So stay tuned, true believers... or don't. Whatever.
:)
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