So I very much need to do a budget. Like, seriously. Badly.
I hate being broke and wish that money would just stop being a problem, but it seems like the more I wish for that, the worse it gets. I think I've probably spent a combined total of twenty minutes of my life living on a budget, and the weird thing is that those twenty minutes were awesome. But I don't want to give myself over to a budget completely because then I'm giving control of my life over to something that isn't me.
Mostly, I hate the thought of living according to principles. The thought that all my decisions pretty much get made before I ever have to face them scares the crap out of me, primarily because I want to leave myself room to be selfish whenever I feel like it. I want to be able to do what I want, whenever I want, and I don't want to have to say no to myself because I hate having to do things that I'm not good at.
But, in a weird way, principles are where the peace comes from, too. I don't have to freak out about whether or not I'm doing the right thing, because "the right thing" has been decided in advance. The dogs in my head quit barking because nobody invited them to the party. Principles have a way of simplifying things before they can get to be a mess and, in doing so, spare everybody a lot of pain and heartache because they don't let you go down a road that you already know is bad for you.
The weirdest thing, though, is how much more free you really are to pursue so many other things. When you don't have to sit around and hash out the details and the worries of everything that might go wrong, you save yourself from wasting so much time, energy, money, and whatever else that you're able to take advantage of opportunities that would otherwise be closed to you.
It's so counter-intuitive, though... it's so against my nature. I don't want to give up control that way, even though I know I should. For some reason, I usually find that I'd rather struggle along, worrying myself to death about what I'm doing and barely having enough time to do it in. And I'm so sick of that.
Budgeting is such a simple thing, I think, that most people (myself included) overlook its importance. I think it ends up flying below the radar for most people because it isn't as loud and noisy and ridiculous as all the things we're asked to spend our time and money on instead. You're never going to see a commercial for budgets. You won't see an ad on T.V. suggesting that you turn it off and go spend time with your family. But it's so crucial, that I don't really see my life functioning very well without it. There's a margin that gets built into a life well-spent that I don't feel like I have. I don't get much sleep these days, and when I do, it's never very restful. I feel tired all the time and I worry all the time about whether or not I'm going to end up over-drafting later on because of some stupid purchase I'm in the middle of making that I know I don't need. It's like that with time, too. I feel so busy and rushed to get from one thing to the next that I feel like I'm leaving all of these loose ends in my life: projects left undone or conversations left unfinished. I can't think of a time in the last two months that I haven't felt like that at least ten times in a day.
So, in a bizarre wrap-up with no segue, I think I'm gonna give myself Sundays off from 'blogging. I've had the whole day off today and I haven't really been very productive with it. I know it may seem stupid to say "I'm not going to do something I regard as productive because I need to be more productive," but I think I need to be more intentional with the time I have and learn to be selective with what I do and when I do it. I'm gonna try to work on a budget this week, but I'm also gonna try to work out a schedule that blocks out where I'm gonna be and when. I know that making this a matter of public record is probably gonna come back and bite me because all my friends are gonna think that I'm just using it as an excuse to ignore them, but whatever... I'm sick of being broke and tired all the time and I'm ready to do something about it.
See you later... if I have the time...
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