Tendencies

I have a tendency to bite my fingernails when I'm anxious.

I have a tendency to let my laundry pile up until I don't have any clean clothes left.

I have a tendency to want to learn ad infinitum before taking action.

I have a tendency to check my Facebook page too often.

I have a tendency to get really excited about starting something new and then quit shortly after I get going.

I have a lot of tendencies.  You probably do, too.

The trick, though, is to realize that they're just tendencies --things that are historically true about me and my behavior-- and not absolute definitions of who I am and what I'm destined to always do.  This is an important fact to realize for two reasons.

First, I need to understand that I have the freedom to break away from my tendencies and act differently.  At any given moment, I can do something new and unpredictable and the Tendency Police aren't going to show up at my door and drag me away.  I absolutely can do my laundry before it gets out of control or stop chewing my nails 'til they bleed because there's nothing set in stone that says I have to or that I always will.

Second, I need to understand that just because I have a tendency toward something doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.  True, the time-lapse between having an idea and getting started on a project is longer for me than most people, but I'm typically far better prepared and get better results quicker than most people, too.  And, yes, there are countless examples of new hobbies I dumped money into and then let fall to the wayside, and I can't even tell you how many promises I've made that I later went back on, but I'd rather start and not finish something than never get off the bench at all.

So, with that in mind, I'm announcing a new 'blog I've started over on Tumblr.  Ultimately, the idea was to have a collaborative-something-or-other with The Illustrious BRT, but the first step seems to be us joining a community together and starting out (initially, at least) with our own respective pages.

I can't help but feel like I'm giving up on another fruitless effort in my life or solidifying some truth about myself; like I always give up or I never finish what I start.  The long-form answer has something to do with particle physics and the use of superlatives being an automatic indicator of a lie.  The simple answer is that I've learned a lot from this over the last year or so and all I'm really doing is picking up stakes and moving on to the next thing.  It's okay to do that.  People often do.

I love you all.  See you on Tumblr!

It's Not About Them

In a twelve-step process, there's a part where you have to make amends for things you've done wrong.  In some cases, it means offering an apology to someone you hurt, in others it means paying debts that you owe... amends can look very different depending on the nature of the offense in question.

One thing amends can never be, though, is book-ended with the question "How can I make it up to you?" primarily because it undercuts the whole process of recovery.  The idea is to take responsibility for one's own problems and behaviors and, by ending it with that question, the ball has been bounced back into the offended party's court.

Even beyond that, though, there's the bigger problem of what to do if the person being offered amends refuses to accept it or can't forgive the person trying to make them and won't answer the question.  It's called a twelve-step program because there are, quite literally, twelve individual steps to be made within it and "Making Amends" is only step nine.  If I have to be forgiven or make restitution to every single person on my list before I can go any further, then there's a possibility that I may never make it on to the remaining steps.

Of course, the simple truth is that making amends with someone isn't about the other person.  It never is.  Whether you're in a twelve step program or not; whether you're offering forgiveness or asking for it, making amends is about YOU letting go of the baggage in a relationship and, if not being able to move forward, then at least being able to move on.

I know it's not easy, however true it may be, but it's very straightforward.  I think this is why the Bible makes it a command to go and act on and not a blessing to sit around and pray about and wait for.  I know that in my own life I tend to complicate the issue by thinking that "making amends" is the same thing as "making peace" is the same thing as "making sure that everybody is happy and we all got what we wanted and nobody will ever have problems with anybody else again because we'll all be friends and everything is great."  It's not like that.  Admit you were wrong.  Say that you're sorry.  Ask them to forgive you.  And then, whether they do or they don't, be done with it.

The only alternative is to stay where you are and let the wounds fester.  True, maybe if you wait long enough, the relationship will die and there will be nothing left worth making amends for.  Maybe time will heal it and you'll end up with a nice, big scar where your heart used to be.

"Maybe if I drink enough of this poison, they'll start to die."

Art v. Science

The greatest enemy to creativity and productivity is neither mediocrity nor failure, but perfectionism.  In my own life, I've had my own struggles against perfectionism and will probably face a million more before it's over.  I try not to see this as discouraging, merely a statement of fact.

I think that most of my struggles in this area stem from my desire to make everything an exact science; to have a predetermined, guaranteed-to-succeed way of going about whatever it is that we happen to be discussing at the moment (relationships, money, careers, et. al.).

But that's not really how anything works.  Nothing is an exact science.  Most things worth doing in life are more like art: you start with a framework and build from there, knocking away the extraneous parts and reworking what needs it.  Value is created through a process of investment, not some inherent quality of the object itself.  I've seen artwork made from dixie cups that was more thought-provoking and better put together than some multi-million dollar buildings.

The desire for success being what it is, though, brings most of us to a place where we stop caring about the things that make a person creative or interesting and ask only how to make money.  While I don't happen to buy into the whole "pure art = destitute artist" idea, I definitely think there's something to be said for letting go of the belief that the metrics of success are dollars and cents.

This is where the Art v. Science idea kicks in.  If I change my view of success to be more (or, at least, different) than money, I'm giving up the tangible and measurable for something amorphous, conceptual, and less secure-feeling.  I have to have enough faith in my ideas to continue working at them in spite of not being certain of where I'll end up if I do (it's true: "they" might hate it and, by extension, you).  I have to have more dedication than discipline.  I need to do more than just know.

I can't say it's better to be an artist than a scientist, but I definitely know which one I prefer.  Do you?

Expect God's Greater Reward

Of the topics I've written on over the last few weeks, I was glad that this one came last because this is the main one of these four principles that I am absolutely worst at living out.

If we made an agreement, you and I, in which you promised to give me a briefcase full of $100 bills if I ate a burrito filled with cat hair and dog turds, here is the exact process by which I would determine whether or not I would do it:

1. Does the briefcase filled with $100 bills actually exist?
2. Can it be verified that the $100 bills are not counterfeit?
3. Would this bump me into a different tax bracket?
4. What would I be left with after the government took their cut?
5. What's the catch?
6. How do I know that the briefcase people will follow through with their end of the bargain?
7. Ultimately, is the potential for getting a briefcase full of money worth the possibility and/or likelihood that I'll end up eating a poop-burrito for nothing?

Two things immediately jump out.

One is that I tend to automatically assume a skeptical position, that is, I start and end with the expectation that I'm being set-up or played.  If I expect anything at all, it's to fail and/or be defeated.

Two is that nowhere in any of this does my relationship with the other party ever really come into play.  Sure, I ask the thing about follow-through, but that's just looking for a guarantee; that's different from engaging a relationship.

Trust is rooted in banking on the knowledge you have of another person or entity.  I trust my girlfriend not to sleep around on me because I know that she loves me and is committed to building a good relationship with me.  I trust my bank to hold my money in security and not steal from me because that's illegal and they wouldn't be allowed to exist anymore if they did that.  I trust my friend Bryan to take me climbing and not let me die because he's an expert climber with quality gear.   I trust a lot of people for a lot of things, really.

But when it comes to expectation, I back off.  I trust Bryan to not kill me if I go climbing with him, but I don't expect that he would have or make time to help me get in shape.  I trust my girlfriend to not cheat on me, but I don't expect her to react well if I feel like I should say something to her when she's being too negative or critical of herself or other people.

Sure, I cloak it underneath a sense of pragmatism or humility (whichever fits better at the time) and try to sound like I'm just being fair or realistic.  The truth, though, is that I don't want to be disappointed and hurt when I don't get what I wanted or when things don't work out like I'd hoped.

The interesting/challenging/stupid thing is that God isn't like that.  As he presents himself in the Bible, God bats a thousand in the arena of coming through for people.  True, he may be more concerned with what I need than what I want, but God is not in the business of letting people down or changing the terms at the last minute.

But what I consent to be theoretically true doesn't necessarily play itself out in the decisions I make.

So, who's fault is that?

Resignation

Steve Jobs announced on Wednesday that he was stepping down as CEO of Apple and Seth Godin wrote a 'blog about it.  Being neither a tech-guy nor a sports guy, the Joe DiMaggio analogy was somewhat lost on me from both ends.

But then I did some reading about it.
And then I did some thinking about it.
And then I went to a going-away party for my friend Johnny Shortstuff and his goodwife Sara.
And I have all new thoughts and questions now.

What does it mean for someone to have profoundly impacted your life and then "move on?" 

Are there words strong enough to capture the magnitude of that person's significance to you? 

What should your response to their decision be? 

How do you let them know that the simple matter of their existence in your world has top-to-bottom-revolutionized the way you do business? 

Is it possible to over-state the difference that they've made?

How do you resign yourself to accept that this is necessary and good for them and a natural step in the right direction for their life?

To tell the truth, I don't have a clue.

But I think that, whatever you do, it should be honest and meaningful and overflowing with gratitude.

And I hope I did that tonight.

I love you guys.

Lead Courageously

I've been tossing around some ideas for this week's 'blog and I have absolutely no desire to write any of them down.

It's not so much that I don't want to write at all, it's that I'd rather write about a million other things besides this because, frankly, I don't feel qualified to speak on the subject.

I am, as of this writing, a broke art major behind on his bills with a dead-end job and $30,000 in student loan debt.

What the heck do I know about leadership?

If we define leadership as running a successful company or commanding an army or guiding people to the top of Mount Everest, then I guess I don't know the first thing about it.

But I don't think that's what leadership really boils down to.

Leadership is not about telling people what to do or wearing a special uniform or being "the top guy."


Leading is about doing what you are uniquely positioned to do.

And more than starting companies or winning battles or telling other people what to do and how to do it, there is one thing that I am infinitely qualified above and beyond any other person on the planet to do: 

Make decisions about how my life will operate.

Whether I keep my apartment within a reasonable margin of cleanliness and organization or let it smell like farts and dirty laundry doesn't depend on my girlfriend's actions or what decisions she makes today.

Whether I stay up playing League of Legends or go to bed at a reasonable hour so that I can wake up in the morning with time enough to eat breakfast and take a shower can't be blamed on League of Legends.

Whether I budget my money so that I can get what I want at the grocery store and fix meals at home or spend money I don't have on fast food that isn't nearly as good as it is convenient is totally my call to make.

Why?  Because it's my apartment, and my time, and my money.

There's a temptation to believe that if my decisions don't impact millions of people across the globe, then I'm not really a leader or my decisions don't really matter.

But that's a lie.

John Maxwell says leadership is a spectrum.  On the one side, it's your title that makes you a leader.  On the other, it's your reputation.

If you're using a title to validate your authority ("...because I'm the boss and I said so!"), the only reputation you'll ever have is for being a jerk and a bully.

On the other end, if you build a reputation for being responsible and doing the right thing, what label you operate under doesn't really matter.

So the question isn't "Am I a leader or not?"

It's "Which type of leader am I?"

Accept Responsibility

As I mentioned last week, there's a study at my church beginning in September called "Biblical Manhood" and I'm picking apart the four major points of it between now and the time it starts.

This week's principle is that a real man accepts responsibility.  I thought of some examples for what this might mean.

If I were to get a dog, you might say that he would be my responsibility (also, that he is adorable).  We could also, then, say that it would then be my responsibility to tell my apartment complex that I got a dog and to pay the appropriate pet deposits and fees.   It would also be my responsibility to feed him and to take him to the vet and pick up his messes whenever I took him for walks outside.  All three are different kinds of responsibility: object, obligation, action.

But I don't think that these are the kind of responsibility that Biblical Manhood is referring to.

I think that being "responsible" is a lot like being sober.  For one thing, there's no gray-area for sobriety.  It's pretty much a switch with two positions, and you're either on or you're off.  You don't just kinda use and you're never almost sober.  You either are or you are not.

But I've also come to realize that no matter how long you stay sober, there's never really any point where you stop being an addict.  You may stop acting out of your addictive patterns, but there's always a propensity for you to go back to using and even the most devoted 12-steppers will tell you that you're never really "cured" of it.  You may be sober now, you may be sober 25 years from now, but can't ever take for granted that you'll always be sober.  Sobriety is a choice that you have to make, every single day, for the rest of your life.

In a very similar way, responsibility is not an over-arching condition of your whole person, it's a present state of being.  I can't tally up the total days I've been productive and done the right thing and deem myself "responsible" if the good outweighs the bad.  I'm "responsible" in this moment to do the best I can at whatever's in front of me with whatever resources I have at my disposal.

To put it in practical terms, I first have to accept that I can never get back all the days I've lost to drinking, drugs and pornography and then be willing to do whatever I'm able to move ahead from wherever I happen to be as a result of it all.  

Shame and self-loathing tell me I'm a worthless waste of space and I can never rise above my circumstances.  

The gospel grace of Jesus Christ says that I don't have to live there and I can do different with my life.

Responsibility is learning how to ignore my feelings, accept the truth and leverage that freedom to take action in another direction.

So I guess I should stop asking myself whether or not I am a responsible person and start asking myself whether or not I'm ready to be responsible, where I'm at, right now.

Reject Passivity

I signed up last week for a class at my church called "Biblical Manhood."  It's a study that the senior pastor adapted from a book called Raising a Modern Day Knight, a book I have mostly avoided in the past due to its cheesy-looking cover. 

(Of everything cheesy about it, I think it's George Costanza's shirt sleeve that bothers me most.  Why is George Costanza on a Christian book cover?  What does he have to do with raising a modern day knight?  Is he giving that sword to a child or taking it from a child?  Why would George Costanza have/need a sword?)

The basic premise of the book and/or study is that many of both our societal and personal ills are rooted in faulty definitions of what it means to be a man.  The study defines a man as someone who:

1. Rejects Passivity

2. Accepts Responsibility

3. Leads Courageously

4. Expects God's Greater Reward

Since there are four major points to the study (and I have four posts to fill between now and the time it starts) I wanted to look at each one individually and come to a clearer understanding of where I'm at in each of them before the study gets going, beginning with the first.

First, I looked up some synonyms for "passivity," a few of which are as follows:

Acquiescent, Apathetic, Asleep, Compliant, Docile, Idle, Indifferent, Inert, Latent, Motionless, Nonresistant, Phlegmatic, Quiet, Resigned, Sleepy, Static, Stolid, Submissive, Tractable, Unassertive, Uninvolved, Unresisting, Yielding.

Second, I looked up definitions for "passivity."

1. Not reacting visibly to something that might be expected to produce manifestations of an emotion or feeling.
2. Not participating readily or actively; inactive.
3. Not involving visible reaction or active participation.
4. Inert or quiescent.
5. Influenced, acted upon, or affected by some external force, cause, or agency; being the object of action rather than causing action.

I particularly like that last one.  "Being the object of action rather than causing action."

I struggle a lot with this, as evidenced by even a casual glimpse at some of my old 'blog posts.  They seem to emphasize what Newton's First Law clearly states, namely, that objects in motion tend to stay in motion while objects at rest tend to stay at rest.

As a recovering addict and someone with a tendency toward depression and despair, it's easy to get caught up in that idea and resign myself to hopelessness, feeling (and, thus, believing) that I'll always be a worthless lump and I'm never going to change.

But that ignores the second part of the Newton's Law, which is that objects tend to stay in motion or at rest unless acted upon by an opposite outside force. 

To be perfectly honest, I'd rather not go through with this study.  It's at 6 o'clock on Wednesday mornings (which, I mean, that right there...) and registration is $25 that, frankly, I'd rather spend selfishly.

To do so, however, would be to cut myself off from a significant "outside force."

Rejecting passivity means deciding to do something, even if it's wrong or there's a possibility (or certainty) of failure.  It doesn't necessarily mean recklessly over-committing oneself, but I have the $25 and I can make it to the church at 6 AM on Wednesdays.  I may not want to, but sometimes being a man (and an adult in general) means doing things I don't particularly want to do.

How about you?  What are your outside forces?  Where do you find them?

On Art

I've been trying to broaden my horizons lately by following 'blogs like Seth Godin's and Michael Hyatt's, that take an instructional-yet-encouraging approach toward working, writing, 'blogging and social media.

It helps, too, that they're successful people I've heard of before and admire a great deal.

Thus far, they've helped me gain a better understanding of what a 'blog is and challenged me to shorten my posts, and keep them centered around fewer, stronger, more concrete ideas.  Even in a small amount of time, I feel like it's starting to make a difference.

But those are mechanical things, and mechanics are easy to fix.

The struggle for me is in the soul: 

Why do I have a 'blog?  What is my 'blog about?

Looking over the ground it's already covered and thinking about where I want it to go, I'd say my 'blog is about the relationships between addiction, art, and spiritual growth.  Of the three, I think the middle one is probably the most absent from what's already been done.

It's ironic, really, given the piece of paper I've strategically hung so that it's the first thing one sees when one walks through my front door.  Apparently the University of Texas deems me to be competent in the study of Art.  Why doesn't my 'blog reflect that?  Better yet, why doesn't my life?

Telling people "I'm an artist" invites certain, inevitable questions.  What do I do?  Where have I shown?  What's my main focus?  Who have I worked with?

I studied Art.  I can talk about Art.  I even know how to make some of it.  Whether any of that is actually worth something or not, I have the information.  Isn't that all it takes?

C.S. Lewis wrote, "I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."

And I guess that's what art is for me: it's not just a thing that exists in the universe, it's a way of looking at the world and understanding it better.  It make the intangible a thing to be seen and explored.  It enables the frog to be dissected without having to kill it.

I am a Christian and an American and an artist and a man.  I don't have to be a pastor or the president or show you a painting of my penis for any of those things to be true.  It's hardwired into the fabric of who I am and it's okay for me to say it out-loud.

So then, why is it so difficult to convince myself of something that's already the truth?

The Amy Winehouse Thing

I wouldn't exactly call this a "current events" 'blog, but there are odd occasions where something in the news affects me in a bizarre way and I don't really know what else to do with it. 

It's distasteful to me, to say the least, when regular-folk weigh in on the comings and goings of famous people, as though they have some sort of intimate knowledge or special access to this complete stranger that the rest of us don't. 

In light of that, I want to be clear that I wasn't any sort of Amy Winehouse fan, but her death has made me think a lot about my own struggles with addiction and I wanted to jot down a few ideas about it for what we might call a "Very Special Post."

1. Addiction Really Is a Disease - It's hard for people who don't struggle with addiction to see it this way, but it's true.  It's not just a lack-of-moral-fiber issue and it's not a disease like lupus or cancer, either.  It's more like (or maybe exactly like) having a mental disorder, such as manic-depression or schizophrenia: you have good and bad days, there are certain things that are prone to trigger an episode, people who make it better or worse, and it's completely impossible to navigate without getting help, usually from a professional.

2. Addiction is Risky - Given that the problem, at its core, is a loss of control, being an addict always carries with it a sense in which you never really know where you're going to end up when you use. You could be just fine, you could have a lot of fun, you could have some crazy adventures that all your friends want to hear about the next day, but you could also just as easily end up in trouble with your family or the law or, sadly, dead.  Whatever your poison(s) is or are, there's always this feeling that you're betting your whole life on a slot machine every time you use.

3. Addiction Ruins What's Great About You - At one time or another, Amy Winehouse was an attractive young woman with a lot of talent, but the publicity around her career was almost a real-time documentary of her descent into madness.  She frequently cancelled shows, the ones she didn't were often dismal performances, and the internet was rife with hard-to-look-at pictures and videos of her being a strung-out mess.  It's hard to see all that and remember that somewhere beneath it is a real person who's being systematically destroyed by a truly sad and devastating problem.  And so it is with many other addicts, too.

4. Addiction Robs You of Healthy Relationships - Do you remember when she was married to some dude (I can't even remember the guy's name) and they were always popping up in the tabloids looking all strung-out and bloodied like they'd just done a bunch of drugs together and then gotten in a fist fight?  Instability breeds further instability and the only thing more chaotic than being in a relationship as or with an addict is for two addicts to end up in a relationship with each other.  Also, how often do you hear about someone dying of an overdose in a room full of people?  I realize there are exceptions, but most people die from overdoses in isolation, part of which makes sense because, obviously, if there was someone else around, they'd have called 911 or tried to help somehow.  But it's worth noting the inverse nature of increased substance use/abuse versus decreased contact with other people and/or the outside world at all.

5. Addiction Runs On Momentum - A very significant part of my recovery was realizing that, contrary to how I felt, I did have the ability to ask for help and to choose to be sober.  Even more significant than that, to me, was the realization that every time I chose to continue in my addiction, it made me more likely to continue to do so in the future.  Every time I took another drink or smoked another bowl, it entrenched me that much further into the problem, which made the control it had over my life (and, too, the damage it did) that much greater.  Inversely, I also realized that the more I continued to get help and to say "no" to my addictions, the easier it was to continue to ask for help and say "no" again later.  There's a point, though, that some people reach where the train is moving too fast to jump off of anymore.  I guess, if I can point to any one thought that made me really want to get sober, it's that I wanted to be able to get help and deal with it while I still could.

I remember hearing Dave Attell on the radio after Mitch Hedberg died, saying something to the effect of "Mitch's problem was, essentially, Mitch."  And I think that's really sad because I really liked Mitch Hedberg and I wish that he had loved himself as much as it was obvious that the people around him did. 

But I also think that something about that idea of "my problem is, essentially, me," rings true to the addict inside of me.  I used booze and drugs (and food and sex and video games and anything else that worked) because I liked who I was when I did those things more than who I was when I didn't.

The stupid thing, though, is that I didn't really even like who I was when I was using, either.  I don't honestly believe that any addict does. 

But, at the time, I didn't believe that anything better was possible.  In fact, I didn't even have the capacity to believe that.  After a while, the brain simply adjusts to accept its circumstances as base-level reality, like a scale that has recalibrated itself to include the weight that's already on it.

I guess the point I'm making is that the tragedy, to me, is less who this happened to and more that it happened at all.  Please don't misunderstand me, I don't mean to trivialize Amy Winehouse as a person or her career in any way at all, but it feels to me like a terrorist group just blew up a building, or that a serial killer has struck again and is still on the loose.  The fact that she was famous and talented just makes it that much more of a win for the other side.

For a struggle so tied to despair and hopelessness in the first place, it sends a chilling message to those of us prone to fail: "If she, with all her fame and fortune could not overcome it, what possible hope have you?"

What I Learned

In case you didn't notice, there was an approximate ten-week delta between my last two posts.  In the interim, I both started and lost a job that I really liked with a company I very much loved being a part of.  Something I've come to learn over the last year or so is that there's really no right or wrong way to handle calamity or pain, just constructive and not-so-constructive steps forward.  In light of that, I'm trying to get back on the horse and figure out what's next for me career-wise, while at the same time acknowledging job-loss as a legitimate setback and giving myself the grace to feel some sadness about it without becoming depressed (I struggle a lot with this last part).  It might seem circular, but I feel like I'm dealing with it better than I would have six months ago, and that's good enough for me.

Over the last few days, though, I've been thinking more and more about what a great learning experience this whole ordeal has been from start to finish and I decided to compile a list of everything I took away from my time at Blue Genie:

A. Let Yourself Want It -                                    

Regardless of what opportunity "it" refers to, some of the dumbest things I've ever said are "It's not that big of a deal," or "I'm trying not to get my hopes up about it," because I didn't want to be let down and I thought that it would help if I lowered my expectations.  Even if you're doing something as simple as submitting a résumé or landing a first interview, don't cut yourself off from engaging your emotions.  If you're excited (or even anxious) about whatever the next step is because you really want the job, then that's a good sign that you've hit on something related to your talents and passions and it can help keep you sharp.  If you're sad about losing out on something or scared that you might, then that's a sign that you are (or were) doing something that mattered to you, and that's never a bad thing.

B. Go Big or Go Home -

Enthusiasm often affects quality, not because it equals some special blessing from the magical excitement fairy, but because it usually just means you're willing to work harder and longer at something than someone who's just trying to meet a standard.  The best way I know of to communicate enthusiasm is to make loud, borderline-ridiculous decisions and then act on them with conviction.  I should warn you, there will always be a feeling that you're going to look stupid and nobody's going to like your idea and you just have to learn to work through that.  The important thing is that you finish what you start and do your best because that's the only way I know how to live without regret.

C. Pay Attention -

It might seem naive or overly-optimistic, but there really is opportunity everywhere.  The frustration I usually found with that statement is that it doesn't immediately translate into money in the bank, so it's important to learn the difference between "money" and "value" if you're going to try to live by it.  Sometimes learning a new skill or building confidence in your abilities is worth a cut in pay.  Sometimes being available for things outside of your job is more important than getting overtime.  I realize that optimism doesn't pay the bills, but "too safe" can quickly turn into "too stationary."  Don't sacrifice opportunity for the sake of predictability.

D. Be Prepared for the Worst -

I know it's kind of a downer, but I think it's true: you can't count on everything to always work out forever.  Sometimes things collapse slowly over time and sometimes they blow up before they ever leave the harbor, but setbacks happen and the more surprise and disappointment you heap on them, the higher the hurdle you have to jump before getting back on your feet again.  Notice I didn't say "Expect the Worst."  That's just pessimism masquerading as pragmatism.  But it's good to understand that every opportunity for success (which is basically the same as saying "going somewhere different than where you are") carries an inherent amount of risk (which is basically just not getting there).  If the risk of not succeeding is too great to bear, then it probably means that you're being presented with something you can't handle and there are some steps missing between where you are and where you want to be.  I'd be lying if I said I don't want to own a home someday, but it'd be foolish to think I could afford one when I can barely pay for my (comparatively inexpensive) student loans.

E. When It's Time, Move On -

This is easily the toughest lesson with the most difficult-to-define of terms.  How do you know when it's time?  What does it mean to "move on?"  Unfortunately, I'm still figuring this one out.  However, I'm learning things in recovery that I think apply here:

     1. Progress, Not Perfection - At the end of the day, I'm better for having spent the last two months at Blue Genie.  I know more, I've done more, and I'm more confident in myself.  It's a shame that I didn't get to stay longer, but I really can't say anything negative about what time I did get.  I can be proud of the work I did and put the experience I gained to good use moving forward and I don't have to beat myself up or despair at not winning the lottery.

  

     2. The Serenity Prayer - "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  There are certain times that hokey, sound-bite wisdom can be annoying (especially if you're pissed off and sad about losing a job), but there are also certain things in life that you can control and certain things you can't and it's important to identify what those things are because worrying over things you can't control while letting things slip by that you have the power to change is the epitome of frustration and discouragement. 

Over the last few months, I've become a pretty firm believer in the idea that your attitude is reflective of the messages you allow yourself to receive.  I know it's not the end of the world and something else will come along, but I also know it takes a lot of energy to mount a strong offensive and keep a positive attitude about it.  I keep telling myself that I have everything I need at my disposal to be successful, I just feel like I'm missing the drive and determination to get there.  I think part of it has to do with the fact that I feel like I lost something very valuable to me and it's tough to come bouncing back after such a heavy blow, but mostly I think it's because I've been living off of fast food all week and haven't showered in two days.

Can you see why I think this stuff is so important?

With Apologies, Thanks and (and the Slightest Bit of Disdain) to Jon Acuff

In one of the last posts I made before I fell off the face of the earth, I mentioned getting some feedback from a professional 'blogger/author I really like.  His words, although somewhat critical, were very genuine and encouraging, in a constructive sort of way.  Part of me wanted to defend myself to him by explaining that no one was delivering sacks of money to my doorstep for my writing, so I didn't have it quite so easy as I'm sure he did.  And on some level, I think I wanted to explain this to him in the hopes that he would take pity on me and offer to take me on as some sort of literary magician's apprentice so that I could learn the dark arts of all his success.  Suffice it to say, I restrained myself.

In the absolute-last post I made, I talked about a new job that I had gotten as a commercial artist and immediately descended into a sort of self-sabotaging madness in which I sloughed through all the irrational fears I had surrounding a wonderful new opportunity I'd been presented with and all the ridiculous impacts I was afraid of it having on me.  Being the jumble of neuroses that I am, it's difficult for me to appreciate and enjoy anything without over-thinking it and freaking myself out about it.  However, once I got into a rhythm of actually working at the new job, I was able to relax a bit and find such great satisfaction in it that I felt as though I had found my true calling and was hanging my 'blogging-hat up for good (for the record, it's more of a 'blogging-helmet, but whatever).

All the while, though, I was reading Jon's newest book, Quitter.  In it, he talks about his own journey from day jobs that he hated into a dream job (and, ultimately, a life) that he loved.  I felt this was a relevant subject as I was attempting to plot my own course to financial freedom through a job that fulfilled me in ways that I didn't even know a job could.  As a quick review, it was exciting and encouraging in some places and convicting in others.  The basic premise of his book is that it's not stupid to have wild and crazy dreams about what you wanna do with the rest of your life, but it is stupid to think that the dream itself is what will take you there.  He plots out some very specific DO's and DON'T's and challenges his readers to make priorities and work hard at chasing their dreams.  He also talked about his own career of writing and public speaking, and it reminded me that there are a lot of facets to who I am and things that I really enjoy and am passionate about that Blue Genie doesn't really have a lot of opportunity around.  In short, I really loved the book, and I've been recommending it to a lot of people.

Yesterday I received an e-mail from my bosses at Blue Genie letting me know that, through no particular fault of anyone involved, they couldn't afford to keep me on staff any longer.  Because the dates on some of the projects they'd taken got pushed back repeatedly and other jobs got diminished in size and scope (and, therefore, pay), there just wasn't enough operating capital to keep the number of employees they had.  I had been given some "unplanned vacation" since last Tuesday for those very same reasons, so I wasn't totally shocked or unprepared for this.  

I had, though, stayed uncharacteristically positive up until that point and, in spite of my second-paragraph-neuroses, I kept telling myself that I was just gonna have to tighten my belt for the rest of the month, but I'd be back to business as usual on Monday morning or, barring that, the following Monday.  After getting that e-mail, optimistic though I'd been, I wasn't prepared to make the leap into complete desperation or delusion, so instead of showing up on Monday and pretending like I hadn't gotten the message or begging relentlessly for them to somehow make it work, I simply thanked my boss for giving me the thrill of a lifetime by letting me work there and assured him that I understood the situation, was sorry that it didn't work out, and I held no hard feelings toward him or his company, all of which were true.

But, still, on some level I'm hurt and frustrated and angry and I don't want to have to go back to Home Depot with my tail between my legs and tell people about this really sweet job I used to have and be miserable forever because my burgeoning art career exploded during take-off and sank in the dock, just like everything else in my stupid, crappy life always does.  I especially don't want to have to tell my family that I "got let go" and feel like the same stupid punk I think they've always kinda seen me as, who makes rash decisions that blow up in my face and ends up needing them to financially bail me out of all my dumb, money-draining ideas because of the guilt they'd feel if I starved to death.

This 'blog is about a month away from being a year old.  In that time, I've had a lot of ups and downs, but the idea I always had behind creating it was to somehow shape and sharpen my writing into some kind of tangible *thing* (what, exactly, I couldn't tell you) that I'd be able to look back across over time and see a measurable degree of progress.  In addition to that, I wanted  to give myself some kind of emotionally-nudist playground where I could run wild and free and not worry about having to hide or protect myself from the adverse consequences that I worried would come as a result of just being honest about who I am and what I struggle with.  When I got hired at Blue Genie, I sorta just let all that go because two jobs and a recovery program and a girlfriend and a life take a lot of time and energy to keep going.

Whether I was wrong to do so or not, I won't belabor here, if for no other reason than the fact that the ever-growing length of many of the posts in my 'blog was one of Jon Acuff's main criticisms of it.  What I will say is that whether I view this as a set-back or a spring-board is a choice.  Yes, I really loved being a fabricator for Blue Genie and learning how to do all sorts of interesting, art-related things and I'm going to miss working with guys like Chuck Randolph every day.  But it wasn't "The Perfect Job" and all my troubles weren't over for having it and, for the love of God Almighty himself, I do NOT want to be one of those dudes at Home Depot who complains about how nothing ever works out right and looks up fifteen years later to see a life that just kept flowing like a river while he sat on the shore and pouted about it.

Yes, I love to make art and all kinds of weird things for all kinds of interesting people.  I love to use my hands and get dirty and come home sweaty and tired and smelly from being productive and working hard on things I'm really proud of.  I love being part of an organization where the people actually like each other and aren't petty and stupid and don't get their jollies from treating everybody else like crap at every available opportunity.  But I also want to make more than $8 an hour.  I want to be my own boss someday.  I miss writing and I want to have the chance to communicate with lots of other people and not have to yell over the sound of an orbital sander that I've been running for the last five hours until my fingers are all tingly and numb.

So, in the end, I really want to give my sincerest thanks to Jon Acuff, just for being who he is and producing the work that he does.  The pragmatist in me is really glad that I didn't spend the last two months thinking that all my problems were solved and I was coasting down Easy Street, only to have my utopian ideals of the future get nuked into pieces on Wednesday night/early Thursday morning.  I also want to apologize to Jon Acuff for not capitalizing on the feedback he gave me.  Also, for the length of this post (I swear, the next one will be shorter).  I think it's really cool that a published author would take the time to read through a bunch of his fans' annoying drivel and give them a few quick tips on how to improve it and I absolutely HATE it when I, I, *I* put effort into something and people don't respond by changing their whole lives because of it, which is pretty much exactly what I did to him.  I also want to pepper all of this with the tiniest bit of hatred for confronting me through his book with the ideas that I shouldn't expect to find a job that allows my brain to hibernate while raking in excruciatingly ridiculous amounts of money, and that any dream I have of doing so is boring and unfulfilling. 

I don't know what I'm going to do from here but, oddly enough, I'm not really freaking out about it.  I've had a few friends approach me with some project ideas in the last couple of months, so I'm going to see if any of those have potential to turn into money-making opportunities.  If not, I'll probably pick up some extra hours at Home Depot until I figure out what else to do.  I think I'll start updating my 'blog on Fridays and hopefully next week I'll be able to keep things under 1,000 words.  If not, well... at least I tried.

- P -

The Insufferable Know-It-All

I got a new job yesterday!!!  I'm going to be a full-time fabricator for Blue Genie Art Industries, which (for those of you who don't have art degrees and/or aren't trying to impress everybody with your new job title) basically translates into being a commercial artist.  I'm beyond excited about it because I get to work with some insanely talented people working on major projects for clients all over Austin and even across the country as a whole.  A month ago, I didn't even know this place existed and even when I found out about it, I couldn't have imagined I'd get to work there.  It would be like a kid going to Disneyland for the first time, not only to find out that it's all real, but to then end up as a part of his own Disney movie.

Not being one to just sit and enjoy himself for more than five minutes, though, some immediate worries come to mind.  First, the practical stuff.  It's an entry-level position with an entry-level wage and I'm going to have to figure out how to come up with the difference between my paycheck and my living expenses.  Second, there's all the insecurities.  What if they don't like me after my first day/week/month on the job?  What if they think my ideas are stupid?  What if I screw something up?  What if it turns out that they're not really the high-octane, incandescent art machine that I thought they were?  What if they are, but I'm not?  I could go on, but I need to stop before I work myself into a frenzy.

But more than any of these, I'm worried that I'm going to become an insufferable know-it-all and all of my friends are going to hate me.  I wasted a lot of time in my life before I got off my butt and got down to business and I've spent the last year sloughing through the trenches, looking for a job I really wanted and trying not to get too comfortable with "just getting by."  Now that I found something I'm really passionate about, I'm afraid that I'll turn into this sickeningly positive jerk-hole who can't stop talking about his new, amazing job and how everyone can live their dreams if they just keep working hard and don't give up.

I know what it's like to be on the side of the fence that gets beaten down every day by their circumstances for so long that you feel like you can't do anything else but accept your fate and try to make the best of it.  I know how annoying it is to listen to someone who's never been in your shoes tell you that you can do better and all you have to do is get over yourself and have a better attitude if you want to love your life.  In short, I don't wanna have my head in the clouds.  But I don't wanna be a cynic, either.

I spent fifteen minutes talking to the boss-man/interviewer before he offered me this job, but I spent the last five years leading up to that moment defining myself as a person and deciding what kind of life I wanted to have.  I've overcome a torrent of bad decision-making, personal failure, addiction, loss, hardship, betrayal and over-all crap luck to get where I am, and I worked damned hard to do it.  I had to learn how to face up to things I didn't wanna do and be self-motivated when all I wanted was go back to bed and show up for the beating and take my licks with a sense of humor and gratitude.  I had to learn how to keep going and keep pushing forward, beyond what I ever thought I could handle, even when there was no reward or immediate relief in sight.  I've earned the right to be proud of where I am and what I've accomplished and I really do believe that, if it's possible for me to overcome all the junk in my life, anybody can do it.

Maybe I need to stop worrying and just enjoy where I'm at for a while.  Maybe one day I'll be able to play the "inspiration of hope for others" card without feeling a nagging sense of guilt and unworthiness in doing so.  Heck, maybe I need to read up on how they treat people with Stockholm syndrome.  But for now, I have a job I love that I've had to wade through swollen rivers of crap to get, and I actually look forward to going to work on Monday.  I feel good about that.  And I guess that's all that matters.

Hindsight

For the few die-hards out there who have read every post since the beginning, you know that a good portion of my 'blog has been mostly consumed by a very processing-out-loud brand of content.  I've decided to stop fuss-budgeting about whether or not this is a good thing and just accept it for what it is: an honest attempt to pour myself and my talents into something meaningful to share with others.  After getting an e-mail from Jon Acuff last week, though, I've been thinking a lot about why I have a 'blog at all and how to do it better.  I started re-reading some of my old stuff and decided to compile a quick list of things I feel like I've learned about myself along the way.

1. Talk It Out

When I first started my 'blog, a lot of the content was narcissistic and whiney.  (Truth be told, it probably still is.)  I tended to use it more like a public journal rather than trying to relate to other people at all.  Without really intending to, I feel like I've shifted away from that a bit, and I think it's largely due to my involvement in Celebrate Recovery.  Just having people in my life that I can open up to and be honest with has enabled me to off-load a lot of the burdens that I used to air out here.  It's not to say that I've stopped 'blogging about things that affect me altogether or that I think I should just keep all of my business to myself, but once I started intentionally building relationships with other people in my life and opening up to them, I stopped looking to the act of 'blogging in itself to fix or change things.

2. Keep It Moving

There are a number of posts in my 'blog that are (because of all the whiney narcissism) boring.  When I read back over them and identify with where I was when I wrote them and what I was going through, I see myself like someone sitting on the curb, complaining about being behind and how hard running is rather than discussing what kind of diet is best before a marathon and how to deal with leg soreness.  I think I have a few good ideas here and there or some funny thoughts or phrases, but even those tend to get lost in the deluge of self-pity.  It seems like the times when I 'blog best are when I've been busy taking steps toward making progress in my life and the times when I 'blog worst are when I'm just throwing up my hands and being mad that things aren't already different on their own.

3. Stay On the Bike, Fatty!

I feel like this needs no explanation.

4. Remain Calm and Keep Your Hands Where I Can See Them

I don't know how it is for normal people, but sometimes I feel like "Trouble" is the name of a bird dog and I'm wearing snazzy, new pheasant-pants.  Honestly, I don't even know why I bother worrying about what life is like for other people because it wouldn't make any tangible difference to mine even if I knew.  My point, though, is that I feel like there's always an reason for me to feel frustrated or discouraged, which means there's always a temptation for me to use how I feel as an excuse to do something stupid, and I can see how that attitude comes across in some of my posts.  I think most of the bad decisions I've made over the last year could have been avoided if I'd just kept my wits about me, stepped back from the situation a little, and asked myself if I was really thinking things through.

5. Plan Your Work and Work Your Plan

Followthrough is tough for me and I can count on one hand the number of things I said I was going to do in my 'blog that I actually ended up doing.  I tend to get really amped up about the "Next Big Thing" and bring a lot of energy and excitement to the table, but I also tend to lose steam pretty quickly when I meet with resistence.  Part of me feels like I need to be rewarded for my enthusiasm by having everything work out like it's supposed to and I get really frustrated and disappointed when it doesn't.  But I've also noticed that my enthusiasm tends to hold up a lot better whenever I have structure and support in my life and I don't feel like I have to maintain this super-human energy level all the time for things to be successful.  When I get enough sleep at night and have a budget worked out and spend time with people who can support and encourage my ideas, I tend to do better than when I try to take on the world all by myself.

I guess the lesson is that it's good to recognize where you've been so that you can figure out where you're going.  Part of "self-actualization" is not just making the present seem meaningful, but redeeming your past, too, so that it contributes to where you are. 

I dunno.  Does that seem crazy?  Am I the only one who thinks like this?

My Five Greatest Fears In Life

A few months ago, I took part in a constest-type thing being put on by Jon Acuff where he offered to review your 'blog if you bought his new book.  I found out about it late at night after work on the last day of the offer and decided to give it a shot, even though I suspected I was probably too late.  A week or so later, the book arrived, and a few months later I still hadn't heard from him, so I chalked up as yet another a really cool thing in life that I missed out on.

Yesterday I got an e-mail from Jon Acuff.  He briefly explained that there were more people interested in the offer than he had thought there would be and ended up swamped with 'blogs to read.  At first I thought it was a form letter he sent to everybody with the same four or five things ("Love the 'blog!" or "Keep up the great work!") but it seemed like he had actually taken at least a few minutes to read through some of my stuff and gave some decent feedback. Here was one of his tidbits:

"I'd like to see you do a couple of posts with lists in them. Blog readers really love to have short, easy to digest content and I personally have really seen community grow with posts that allow specific, list based things to react to. (For instance, 10 ways Jim Henson changed my life)"

So here you go Jon Acuff.  Hope you like it.

My Five Greatest Fears In Life

1. Dropping Stuff Into Toilets - This one actually started before everyone had to buy new cell phones because they dropped theirs while poop-texting.  I've never been a part of that club because I've always been very careful when it comes to keeping my personal belongings secure while going to the bathroom.  I think it stems from the fact that when I was six years old, I accidentally dropped one of my mom's hair curlers into the toilet and then tried to flush it to cover the mistake only to realize that a.) now my mom is short one hair curler and b.) hair curlers don't flush so good. 

2. Getting Pooped On By Birds - I tend to avoid walking under trees for this exact reason.  If I'm in a situation where I have to, I'm generally very nervous and dodgy and I try to walk briskly to get out as quickly as possible.  Watch this video and tell me that it's not a rational fear.  Seriously.

3. Having Things Fly Into My Mouth - Again, I refer you to the previous video, plus one additional for your consideration.  As an amateur cyclist, this is probably the most common problem I run into as a result of my fears.  I've tried wearing a bandana around my face as a preventative measure, but it made my face sweaty and I got a lot of concerned looks from people whose own top-five lists apparently included "Bicycling Cattle Rustlers."

4. Running Out of Toilet Paper - I feel like this one is fairly self-explanatory, but I think it's exacerbated by the fact that I grew up in a family that included two women and was located 30 minutes away from the nearest Wal-Mart.  In short, we were a "high-use" family that could run into a crisis situation fairly quickly.  My parents tended to buy most things frozen and in bulk because of how seldom and out-of-the-way grocery store trips were, but sometimes it still got a little dicey in the Wiggins household.  Suffice it to say, there are some things you should always be prepared for.

5. Turning Into My Parents - Not to undermine the seriousness of any of the others (because, I assure you, they are all serious), but this is the only one I don't have something plucky or light-hearted to say about.  It's also probably the one I feel like I have the least control over because it seems to be happening a little bit more every time I look in the mirror whether I want it to or not.  Please don't misunderstand me, I love my parents and they're not bad people, but I just don't want my life to follow the same paths that theirs did.  And honestly, I think I'm probably more afraid of what a horrible person it makes me to say that than anything else on the list.

Never Before Seen Footage

Last weekend, I went to see "Muppet Fairytales," a special collection put together by the Alamo downtown of different fairytale-themed skits, shorts, and TV specials that Jim Henson had made over the years.  A few of them were sketches I had seen before (for those unaware, I am a HUGE Muppets nerd), but most of them were so old and rare that I'd only read about them or seen pictures in books.  The whole thing was less than an hour and a half, and it was fascinating (for me, anyway) to see such a wide range of different selections from such a vast body of work within a relatively short amount of time.  Kermit was the only persistent character throughout all of the shows, but even he has gone through a number of changes over the years, so it was kinda like going through an old family photo album and seeing how everybody grew up.  I really liked it.

I should pause for a second to explain that Jim Henson is something of a personal hero of mine.  The likability of his creations notwithstanding, the man reached a level of success as an artist that boggles the mind.  His career started in 1954 when he was barely out of high school and evolved into multiple internationally recognized media franchises (The Muppet Show, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, etc.) that persist even today, more than twenty years after his death.  I realize that it may seem childish to get so worked up about puppets, but I've come to the conclusion that if you go the rest of your life without watching a single episode of The Muppet Show and can't find joy and humor and goodness in something that doesn't rely on obscenity, toilet humor and drug references for cheap laughs, then I'm not the one with the problem here.  Alas, I digress.

The point is that I walked into the theater with some heavy expectations.  These were cherished gems of a lost era, as far as I was concerned, and I was super-jazzed about being able to experience something that may never see the light of day for a long time to come.  I imagined it being some kind of living childhood memory; like I would get the same feeling I had when my parents took me to see "Follow That Bird" when I was little.

To sum it up, it wasn't and I didn't.  Don't get me wrong, it was cool and I enjoyed it, but honestly... well, some of it was just kinda bad.  Like, it was still creative and interesting and way, way, wayyy more than I would be able to put together on my own, but it was pretty obvious why this stuff didn't really make it out of the archives and onto a special edition DVD.  Kermit was all funky-looking and you could see all the wires and stuff holding things together.  The story itself seemed to drag out, like it hadn't been very well written, and it just felt very stiff compared to all of the things he would do later, like The Muppet Movie and Labyrinth.  In fact, I felt like I needed to go home and watch The Muppet Movie just to wash the bad taste out of my brain.

But the more I thought about it in context of Jim Henson's over-all career, the more I cut the thing a break.  In terms of a time-line, Sesame Street had just barely been on the air for a couple of years and The Muppet Show didn't even exist yet.  The people he had working with him were only a handful of the talent he would come to attract later and, obviously, he wasn't working with a very large budget.  In fact, The Frog Prince (which was the main feature of the collection) was the first time Kermit had even appeared on camera as an honest-to-God frog.  Before that, he was just a lizard-looking sort of thing with no particularly distinct features about him.

Ultimately what I came to realize was that The Frog Prince, though pretty bad in and of itself, was actually a big step for him.  It marked a transition out of fifteen minute sketches into lengthier, more substantive projects with larger sets and more characters.  It was a sort of stepping-stone that would take him away from doing bit parts in commercials or guest appearances on talk shows and serve as a kind of proof that he was able to produce something on his own if given complete creative control.  In short, there would be no Muppet Show if there weren't a Frog Prince.  And I really like that thought.

As an artist, there's a tendency to want to create the one perfect thing that's going to go down in history as the most loved and famous thing ever to exist anywhere.  It's hard to ever feel like you're really "finished" with something because it feels like you're placing some permanent stamp the thing, saying "Please, take this for consideration as to determine my overall worth as a person."  Nobody wants to be judged that way, and in an intellectually honest setting, nobody ever really is, but there's a sense in which everybody feels judged that way.  It's that kind of feeling like, if I die in my sleep tonight, would I be okay with *this* (whatever it is) being the last thing I ever produced?  It seems silly to phrase it that way, but it's a very common feeling among creative-types.  I bet it's pretty common with everybody else, too.

I think the important thing is to realize that nothing exists in a vacuum.  If I create something, it's partially a result of everything else that I've done in the past and partially a sign of something greater yet to come.  There's a saying that keeps coming up in my CR step-study that I really like: "It's about progress, not perfection."  Basically, it means that today may not be my best day and, by the end of it, I'll probably screw something up, but if I can look at where I am now and see it as better than where I was in the past, then I can still consider this to be a good day.  I don't know how revolutionary that idea is for you, but it's working wonders for me.  Everything I was raised to believe screams out against it, but there's a lot of wisdom (and truth) in being able to appreciate where you are and see it as an improvement over yesterday.  Thanks for letting me share that with you guys.

G'night,

- Pairsh -