Having a 'blog is a lot of work. Well, technically, that's not true. Having a 'blog is no big deal. Having a meaningful 'blog is a lot of work.
Today marks 20 'blogs, which amounts to almost three weeks' worth of work, and I'm still scratching my head and wondering why I'm doing this, who's reading it, where do I go from here, why can't I just get a welding job or something and be happy... y'know, the usual. Mostly, I just feel obnoxious and stupid. Why would anybody want to set aside time from their day to read an uninteresting, unfunny, hours-long ramble from some nobody who works at Home Depot? Who cares what I think about what Lance Armstrong had for breakfast or whatever it is I'm constantly blathering about? It's such an audacious, yet desperate feeling: if what I were writing about were really important, you'd already be thinking about it and wouldn't need me to tell you it was important. But I do think it's important and I want you to see it, too. Water, water, everywhere...
I've started reading books about writing again, and it's helped. Writing is a compulsory behavior for the people who do it. It's like when people who are in really good shape talk about the need they feel to work out; something about feeding a desire to engage a process they're already obviously good at. I believe writing to be this way; that it shapes a mind and perfects something within it to desire further shaping and perfection. Reading other people's thoughts and ideas about that process is a soothing and encouraging affair, like Anne Lamott and Ray Bradbury are sitting beside me at my desk and rubbing my back, telling me that it's okay to be a tornado of shitty, boring words, flinging terrible all over the place, because the important thing is to just keep going and be alert for when something good and usable does come out.
I've also taken some time to look at a few other 'blogs and webcomics that I keep up with. I've been thinking less in terms of a consumer of ideas and more like a creator of them and noticing what it is about these different things that work and what it is about them that doesn't. In looking through their archives, I can see where they started and how they've progressed and, frankly, most of them were terrible when they first got going. I mean, they had some reasonable successes here and there, but compared to where they are today, most of their early work was lightyears-lost to "sucks."
I don't really know what all this means in terms of what I should be doing right now. On one hand, all these guys got their start as part-time, non-monetary recreationalists who were just doing something they enjoyed in their free time. As such, they did whatever they could whenever they could do it and they didn't over-exert themselves in trying to do something everyday. They did it because they loved it and it was an outlet for ideas that they had. Yet, they also seem to invest a lot more energy into their ideas than I do because their ideas are more complex than mine and it requires more of them than just an hour or two here and there. There's no real "art" involved in what I do, it's just kind of an outlet for thoughts and feelings. I know I've talked about giving my 'blog direction, but it's still just kind of stream-of-consciousness with no real sense of purpose. I'm not entirely sure how to change that.
One thing I'm going to try, though, is editing some of my earlier posts. There are twenty of them now, so it seems like I have enough to start whittling down and, after reading through them all a few nights ago, they could definitely use the work. I'm going to keep updating daily and stay diligent, but I'm going to try to give myself some limits as far as keeping my time-spent to only an hour and probably just skipping some posts altogether to share some stuff from other writers and poets that I'm reading and learning from. I may go to a schedule where I 'blog/ride my bike every other day. I dunno. I'll try to keep it to a minimum for now, though. I'd hate to lose readership. As part of the editing cycle, I'm going to mess around with font sizes and arrangement of stuff, so feedback would be appreciated as to whether or not you like the changes made.
Also, I know I keep making jokes about only having two or three people that read this with any kind of regularity, but there's a "Stats" button that tells me how many page views I get each day, so I know there are at least five or six of you. As pathetic as it feels to ask, I'd really appreciate it if, as someone who regularly reads this, you'd consider registering with Google/Blogger and following my 'blog as a subscriber. For one thing, it keeps me from being discouraged by the thought that only seven people subscribe out of pity (because thirty or a hundred people's pity is more acceptable) and, for another, it helps me know who's reading and what kind of audience I'm dealing with. It's hard to feel like you're developing a voice when nobody's really listening.
Gotta get going. Got other things to do. See you guys tomorrow...
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