The Amy Winehouse Thing

I wouldn't exactly call this a "current events" 'blog, but there are odd occasions where something in the news affects me in a bizarre way and I don't really know what else to do with it. 

It's distasteful to me, to say the least, when regular-folk weigh in on the comings and goings of famous people, as though they have some sort of intimate knowledge or special access to this complete stranger that the rest of us don't. 

In light of that, I want to be clear that I wasn't any sort of Amy Winehouse fan, but her death has made me think a lot about my own struggles with addiction and I wanted to jot down a few ideas about it for what we might call a "Very Special Post."

1. Addiction Really Is a Disease - It's hard for people who don't struggle with addiction to see it this way, but it's true.  It's not just a lack-of-moral-fiber issue and it's not a disease like lupus or cancer, either.  It's more like (or maybe exactly like) having a mental disorder, such as manic-depression or schizophrenia: you have good and bad days, there are certain things that are prone to trigger an episode, people who make it better or worse, and it's completely impossible to navigate without getting help, usually from a professional.

2. Addiction is Risky - Given that the problem, at its core, is a loss of control, being an addict always carries with it a sense in which you never really know where you're going to end up when you use. You could be just fine, you could have a lot of fun, you could have some crazy adventures that all your friends want to hear about the next day, but you could also just as easily end up in trouble with your family or the law or, sadly, dead.  Whatever your poison(s) is or are, there's always this feeling that you're betting your whole life on a slot machine every time you use.

3. Addiction Ruins What's Great About You - At one time or another, Amy Winehouse was an attractive young woman with a lot of talent, but the publicity around her career was almost a real-time documentary of her descent into madness.  She frequently cancelled shows, the ones she didn't were often dismal performances, and the internet was rife with hard-to-look-at pictures and videos of her being a strung-out mess.  It's hard to see all that and remember that somewhere beneath it is a real person who's being systematically destroyed by a truly sad and devastating problem.  And so it is with many other addicts, too.

4. Addiction Robs You of Healthy Relationships - Do you remember when she was married to some dude (I can't even remember the guy's name) and they were always popping up in the tabloids looking all strung-out and bloodied like they'd just done a bunch of drugs together and then gotten in a fist fight?  Instability breeds further instability and the only thing more chaotic than being in a relationship as or with an addict is for two addicts to end up in a relationship with each other.  Also, how often do you hear about someone dying of an overdose in a room full of people?  I realize there are exceptions, but most people die from overdoses in isolation, part of which makes sense because, obviously, if there was someone else around, they'd have called 911 or tried to help somehow.  But it's worth noting the inverse nature of increased substance use/abuse versus decreased contact with other people and/or the outside world at all.

5. Addiction Runs On Momentum - A very significant part of my recovery was realizing that, contrary to how I felt, I did have the ability to ask for help and to choose to be sober.  Even more significant than that, to me, was the realization that every time I chose to continue in my addiction, it made me more likely to continue to do so in the future.  Every time I took another drink or smoked another bowl, it entrenched me that much further into the problem, which made the control it had over my life (and, too, the damage it did) that much greater.  Inversely, I also realized that the more I continued to get help and to say "no" to my addictions, the easier it was to continue to ask for help and say "no" again later.  There's a point, though, that some people reach where the train is moving too fast to jump off of anymore.  I guess, if I can point to any one thought that made me really want to get sober, it's that I wanted to be able to get help and deal with it while I still could.

I remember hearing Dave Attell on the radio after Mitch Hedberg died, saying something to the effect of "Mitch's problem was, essentially, Mitch."  And I think that's really sad because I really liked Mitch Hedberg and I wish that he had loved himself as much as it was obvious that the people around him did. 

But I also think that something about that idea of "my problem is, essentially, me," rings true to the addict inside of me.  I used booze and drugs (and food and sex and video games and anything else that worked) because I liked who I was when I did those things more than who I was when I didn't.

The stupid thing, though, is that I didn't really even like who I was when I was using, either.  I don't honestly believe that any addict does. 

But, at the time, I didn't believe that anything better was possible.  In fact, I didn't even have the capacity to believe that.  After a while, the brain simply adjusts to accept its circumstances as base-level reality, like a scale that has recalibrated itself to include the weight that's already on it.

I guess the point I'm making is that the tragedy, to me, is less who this happened to and more that it happened at all.  Please don't misunderstand me, I don't mean to trivialize Amy Winehouse as a person or her career in any way at all, but it feels to me like a terrorist group just blew up a building, or that a serial killer has struck again and is still on the loose.  The fact that she was famous and talented just makes it that much more of a win for the other side.

For a struggle so tied to despair and hopelessness in the first place, it sends a chilling message to those of us prone to fail: "If she, with all her fame and fortune could not overcome it, what possible hope have you?"

What I Learned

In case you didn't notice, there was an approximate ten-week delta between my last two posts.  In the interim, I both started and lost a job that I really liked with a company I very much loved being a part of.  Something I've come to learn over the last year or so is that there's really no right or wrong way to handle calamity or pain, just constructive and not-so-constructive steps forward.  In light of that, I'm trying to get back on the horse and figure out what's next for me career-wise, while at the same time acknowledging job-loss as a legitimate setback and giving myself the grace to feel some sadness about it without becoming depressed (I struggle a lot with this last part).  It might seem circular, but I feel like I'm dealing with it better than I would have six months ago, and that's good enough for me.

Over the last few days, though, I've been thinking more and more about what a great learning experience this whole ordeal has been from start to finish and I decided to compile a list of everything I took away from my time at Blue Genie:

A. Let Yourself Want It -                                    

Regardless of what opportunity "it" refers to, some of the dumbest things I've ever said are "It's not that big of a deal," or "I'm trying not to get my hopes up about it," because I didn't want to be let down and I thought that it would help if I lowered my expectations.  Even if you're doing something as simple as submitting a résumé or landing a first interview, don't cut yourself off from engaging your emotions.  If you're excited (or even anxious) about whatever the next step is because you really want the job, then that's a good sign that you've hit on something related to your talents and passions and it can help keep you sharp.  If you're sad about losing out on something or scared that you might, then that's a sign that you are (or were) doing something that mattered to you, and that's never a bad thing.

B. Go Big or Go Home -

Enthusiasm often affects quality, not because it equals some special blessing from the magical excitement fairy, but because it usually just means you're willing to work harder and longer at something than someone who's just trying to meet a standard.  The best way I know of to communicate enthusiasm is to make loud, borderline-ridiculous decisions and then act on them with conviction.  I should warn you, there will always be a feeling that you're going to look stupid and nobody's going to like your idea and you just have to learn to work through that.  The important thing is that you finish what you start and do your best because that's the only way I know how to live without regret.

C. Pay Attention -

It might seem naive or overly-optimistic, but there really is opportunity everywhere.  The frustration I usually found with that statement is that it doesn't immediately translate into money in the bank, so it's important to learn the difference between "money" and "value" if you're going to try to live by it.  Sometimes learning a new skill or building confidence in your abilities is worth a cut in pay.  Sometimes being available for things outside of your job is more important than getting overtime.  I realize that optimism doesn't pay the bills, but "too safe" can quickly turn into "too stationary."  Don't sacrifice opportunity for the sake of predictability.

D. Be Prepared for the Worst -

I know it's kind of a downer, but I think it's true: you can't count on everything to always work out forever.  Sometimes things collapse slowly over time and sometimes they blow up before they ever leave the harbor, but setbacks happen and the more surprise and disappointment you heap on them, the higher the hurdle you have to jump before getting back on your feet again.  Notice I didn't say "Expect the Worst."  That's just pessimism masquerading as pragmatism.  But it's good to understand that every opportunity for success (which is basically the same as saying "going somewhere different than where you are") carries an inherent amount of risk (which is basically just not getting there).  If the risk of not succeeding is too great to bear, then it probably means that you're being presented with something you can't handle and there are some steps missing between where you are and where you want to be.  I'd be lying if I said I don't want to own a home someday, but it'd be foolish to think I could afford one when I can barely pay for my (comparatively inexpensive) student loans.

E. When It's Time, Move On -

This is easily the toughest lesson with the most difficult-to-define of terms.  How do you know when it's time?  What does it mean to "move on?"  Unfortunately, I'm still figuring this one out.  However, I'm learning things in recovery that I think apply here:

     1. Progress, Not Perfection - At the end of the day, I'm better for having spent the last two months at Blue Genie.  I know more, I've done more, and I'm more confident in myself.  It's a shame that I didn't get to stay longer, but I really can't say anything negative about what time I did get.  I can be proud of the work I did and put the experience I gained to good use moving forward and I don't have to beat myself up or despair at not winning the lottery.

  

     2. The Serenity Prayer - "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  There are certain times that hokey, sound-bite wisdom can be annoying (especially if you're pissed off and sad about losing a job), but there are also certain things in life that you can control and certain things you can't and it's important to identify what those things are because worrying over things you can't control while letting things slip by that you have the power to change is the epitome of frustration and discouragement. 

Over the last few months, I've become a pretty firm believer in the idea that your attitude is reflective of the messages you allow yourself to receive.  I know it's not the end of the world and something else will come along, but I also know it takes a lot of energy to mount a strong offensive and keep a positive attitude about it.  I keep telling myself that I have everything I need at my disposal to be successful, I just feel like I'm missing the drive and determination to get there.  I think part of it has to do with the fact that I feel like I lost something very valuable to me and it's tough to come bouncing back after such a heavy blow, but mostly I think it's because I've been living off of fast food all week and haven't showered in two days.

Can you see why I think this stuff is so important?

With Apologies, Thanks and (and the Slightest Bit of Disdain) to Jon Acuff

In one of the last posts I made before I fell off the face of the earth, I mentioned getting some feedback from a professional 'blogger/author I really like.  His words, although somewhat critical, were very genuine and encouraging, in a constructive sort of way.  Part of me wanted to defend myself to him by explaining that no one was delivering sacks of money to my doorstep for my writing, so I didn't have it quite so easy as I'm sure he did.  And on some level, I think I wanted to explain this to him in the hopes that he would take pity on me and offer to take me on as some sort of literary magician's apprentice so that I could learn the dark arts of all his success.  Suffice it to say, I restrained myself.

In the absolute-last post I made, I talked about a new job that I had gotten as a commercial artist and immediately descended into a sort of self-sabotaging madness in which I sloughed through all the irrational fears I had surrounding a wonderful new opportunity I'd been presented with and all the ridiculous impacts I was afraid of it having on me.  Being the jumble of neuroses that I am, it's difficult for me to appreciate and enjoy anything without over-thinking it and freaking myself out about it.  However, once I got into a rhythm of actually working at the new job, I was able to relax a bit and find such great satisfaction in it that I felt as though I had found my true calling and was hanging my 'blogging-hat up for good (for the record, it's more of a 'blogging-helmet, but whatever).

All the while, though, I was reading Jon's newest book, Quitter.  In it, he talks about his own journey from day jobs that he hated into a dream job (and, ultimately, a life) that he loved.  I felt this was a relevant subject as I was attempting to plot my own course to financial freedom through a job that fulfilled me in ways that I didn't even know a job could.  As a quick review, it was exciting and encouraging in some places and convicting in others.  The basic premise of his book is that it's not stupid to have wild and crazy dreams about what you wanna do with the rest of your life, but it is stupid to think that the dream itself is what will take you there.  He plots out some very specific DO's and DON'T's and challenges his readers to make priorities and work hard at chasing their dreams.  He also talked about his own career of writing and public speaking, and it reminded me that there are a lot of facets to who I am and things that I really enjoy and am passionate about that Blue Genie doesn't really have a lot of opportunity around.  In short, I really loved the book, and I've been recommending it to a lot of people.

Yesterday I received an e-mail from my bosses at Blue Genie letting me know that, through no particular fault of anyone involved, they couldn't afford to keep me on staff any longer.  Because the dates on some of the projects they'd taken got pushed back repeatedly and other jobs got diminished in size and scope (and, therefore, pay), there just wasn't enough operating capital to keep the number of employees they had.  I had been given some "unplanned vacation" since last Tuesday for those very same reasons, so I wasn't totally shocked or unprepared for this.  

I had, though, stayed uncharacteristically positive up until that point and, in spite of my second-paragraph-neuroses, I kept telling myself that I was just gonna have to tighten my belt for the rest of the month, but I'd be back to business as usual on Monday morning or, barring that, the following Monday.  After getting that e-mail, optimistic though I'd been, I wasn't prepared to make the leap into complete desperation or delusion, so instead of showing up on Monday and pretending like I hadn't gotten the message or begging relentlessly for them to somehow make it work, I simply thanked my boss for giving me the thrill of a lifetime by letting me work there and assured him that I understood the situation, was sorry that it didn't work out, and I held no hard feelings toward him or his company, all of which were true.

But, still, on some level I'm hurt and frustrated and angry and I don't want to have to go back to Home Depot with my tail between my legs and tell people about this really sweet job I used to have and be miserable forever because my burgeoning art career exploded during take-off and sank in the dock, just like everything else in my stupid, crappy life always does.  I especially don't want to have to tell my family that I "got let go" and feel like the same stupid punk I think they've always kinda seen me as, who makes rash decisions that blow up in my face and ends up needing them to financially bail me out of all my dumb, money-draining ideas because of the guilt they'd feel if I starved to death.

This 'blog is about a month away from being a year old.  In that time, I've had a lot of ups and downs, but the idea I always had behind creating it was to somehow shape and sharpen my writing into some kind of tangible *thing* (what, exactly, I couldn't tell you) that I'd be able to look back across over time and see a measurable degree of progress.  In addition to that, I wanted  to give myself some kind of emotionally-nudist playground where I could run wild and free and not worry about having to hide or protect myself from the adverse consequences that I worried would come as a result of just being honest about who I am and what I struggle with.  When I got hired at Blue Genie, I sorta just let all that go because two jobs and a recovery program and a girlfriend and a life take a lot of time and energy to keep going.

Whether I was wrong to do so or not, I won't belabor here, if for no other reason than the fact that the ever-growing length of many of the posts in my 'blog was one of Jon Acuff's main criticisms of it.  What I will say is that whether I view this as a set-back or a spring-board is a choice.  Yes, I really loved being a fabricator for Blue Genie and learning how to do all sorts of interesting, art-related things and I'm going to miss working with guys like Chuck Randolph every day.  But it wasn't "The Perfect Job" and all my troubles weren't over for having it and, for the love of God Almighty himself, I do NOT want to be one of those dudes at Home Depot who complains about how nothing ever works out right and looks up fifteen years later to see a life that just kept flowing like a river while he sat on the shore and pouted about it.

Yes, I love to make art and all kinds of weird things for all kinds of interesting people.  I love to use my hands and get dirty and come home sweaty and tired and smelly from being productive and working hard on things I'm really proud of.  I love being part of an organization where the people actually like each other and aren't petty and stupid and don't get their jollies from treating everybody else like crap at every available opportunity.  But I also want to make more than $8 an hour.  I want to be my own boss someday.  I miss writing and I want to have the chance to communicate with lots of other people and not have to yell over the sound of an orbital sander that I've been running for the last five hours until my fingers are all tingly and numb.

So, in the end, I really want to give my sincerest thanks to Jon Acuff, just for being who he is and producing the work that he does.  The pragmatist in me is really glad that I didn't spend the last two months thinking that all my problems were solved and I was coasting down Easy Street, only to have my utopian ideals of the future get nuked into pieces on Wednesday night/early Thursday morning.  I also want to apologize to Jon Acuff for not capitalizing on the feedback he gave me.  Also, for the length of this post (I swear, the next one will be shorter).  I think it's really cool that a published author would take the time to read through a bunch of his fans' annoying drivel and give them a few quick tips on how to improve it and I absolutely HATE it when I, I, *I* put effort into something and people don't respond by changing their whole lives because of it, which is pretty much exactly what I did to him.  I also want to pepper all of this with the tiniest bit of hatred for confronting me through his book with the ideas that I shouldn't expect to find a job that allows my brain to hibernate while raking in excruciatingly ridiculous amounts of money, and that any dream I have of doing so is boring and unfulfilling. 

I don't know what I'm going to do from here but, oddly enough, I'm not really freaking out about it.  I've had a few friends approach me with some project ideas in the last couple of months, so I'm going to see if any of those have potential to turn into money-making opportunities.  If not, I'll probably pick up some extra hours at Home Depot until I figure out what else to do.  I think I'll start updating my 'blog on Fridays and hopefully next week I'll be able to keep things under 1,000 words.  If not, well... at least I tried.

- P -