In one of the last posts I made before I fell off the face of the earth, I mentioned getting some feedback from a professional 'blogger/author I really like. His words, although somewhat critical, were very genuine and encouraging, in a constructive sort of way. Part of me wanted to defend myself to him by explaining that no one was delivering sacks of money to my doorstep for my writing, so I didn't have it quite so easy as I'm sure he did. And on some level, I think I wanted to explain this to him in the hopes that he would take pity on me and offer to take me on as some sort of literary magician's apprentice so that I could learn the dark arts of all his success. Suffice it to say, I restrained myself.
In the absolute-last post I made, I talked about a new job that I had gotten as a commercial artist and immediately descended into a sort of self-sabotaging madness in which I sloughed through all the irrational fears I had surrounding a wonderful new opportunity I'd been presented with and all the ridiculous impacts I was afraid of it having on me. Being the jumble of neuroses that I am, it's difficult for me to appreciate and enjoy anything without over-thinking it and freaking myself out about it. However, once I got into a rhythm of actually working at the new job, I was able to relax a bit and find such great satisfaction in it that I felt as though I had found my true calling and was hanging my 'blogging-hat up for good (for the record, it's more of a 'blogging-helmet, but whatever).
All the while, though, I was reading Jon's newest book, Quitter. In it, he talks about his own journey from day jobs that he hated into a dream job (and, ultimately, a life) that he loved. I felt this was a relevant subject as I was attempting to plot my own course to financial freedom through a job that fulfilled me in ways that I didn't even know a job could. As a quick review, it was exciting and encouraging in some places and convicting in others. The basic premise of his book is that it's not stupid to have wild and crazy dreams about what you wanna do with the rest of your life, but it is stupid to think that the dream itself is what will take you there. He plots out some very specific DO's and DON'T's and challenges his readers to make priorities and work hard at chasing their dreams. He also talked about his own career of writing and public speaking, and it reminded me that there are a lot of facets to who I am and things that I really enjoy and am passionate about that Blue Genie doesn't really have a lot of opportunity around. In short, I really loved the book, and I've been recommending it to a lot of people.
Yesterday I received an e-mail from my bosses at Blue Genie letting me know that, through no particular fault of anyone involved, they couldn't afford to keep me on staff any longer. Because the dates on some of the projects they'd taken got pushed back repeatedly and other jobs got diminished in size and scope (and, therefore, pay), there just wasn't enough operating capital to keep the number of employees they had. I had been given some "unplanned vacation" since last Tuesday for those very same reasons, so I wasn't totally shocked or unprepared for this.
I had, though, stayed uncharacteristically positive up until that point and, in spite of my second-paragraph-neuroses, I kept telling myself that I was just gonna have to tighten my belt for the rest of the month, but I'd be back to business as usual on Monday morning or, barring that, the following Monday. After getting that e-mail, optimistic though I'd been, I wasn't prepared to make the leap into complete desperation or delusion, so instead of showing up on Monday and pretending like I hadn't gotten the message or begging relentlessly for them to somehow make it work, I simply thanked my boss for giving me the thrill of a lifetime by letting me work there and assured him that I understood the situation, was sorry that it didn't work out, and I held no hard feelings toward him or his company, all of which were true.
But, still, on some level I'm hurt and frustrated and angry and I don't want to have to go back to Home Depot with my tail between my legs and tell people about this really sweet job I used to have and be miserable forever because my burgeoning art career exploded during take-off and sank in the dock, just like everything else in my stupid, crappy life always does. I especially don't want to have to tell my family that I "got let go" and feel like the same stupid punk I think they've always kinda seen me as, who makes rash decisions that blow up in my face and ends up needing them to financially bail me out of all my dumb, money-draining ideas because of the guilt they'd feel if I starved to death.
This 'blog is about a month away from being a year old. In that time, I've had a lot of ups and downs, but the idea I always had behind creating it was to somehow shape and sharpen my writing into some kind of tangible *thing* (what, exactly, I couldn't tell you) that I'd be able to look back across over time and see a measurable degree of progress. In addition to that, I wanted to give myself some kind of emotionally-nudist playground where I could run wild and free and not worry about having to hide or protect myself from the adverse consequences that I worried would come as a result of just being honest about who I am and what I struggle with. When I got hired at Blue Genie, I sorta just let all that go because two jobs and a recovery program and a girlfriend and a life take a lot of time and energy to keep going.
Whether I was wrong to do so or not, I won't belabor here, if for no other reason than the fact that the ever-growing length of many of the posts in my 'blog was one of Jon Acuff's main criticisms of it. What I will say is that whether I view this as a set-back or a spring-board is a choice. Yes, I really loved being a fabricator for Blue Genie and learning how to do all sorts of interesting, art-related things and I'm going to miss working with guys like Chuck Randolph every day. But it wasn't "The Perfect Job" and all my troubles weren't over for having it and, for the love of God Almighty himself, I do NOT want to be one of those dudes at Home Depot who complains about how nothing ever works out right and looks up fifteen years later to see a life that just kept flowing like a river while he sat on the shore and pouted about it.
Yes, I love to make art and all kinds of weird things for all kinds of interesting people. I love to use my hands and get dirty and come home sweaty and tired and smelly from being productive and working hard on things I'm really proud of. I love being part of an organization where the people actually like each other and aren't petty and stupid and don't get their jollies from treating everybody else like crap at every available opportunity. But I also want to make more than $8 an hour. I want to be my own boss someday. I miss writing and I want to have the chance to communicate with lots of other people and not have to yell over the sound of an orbital sander that I've been running for the last five hours until my fingers are all tingly and numb.
So, in the end, I really want to give my sincerest thanks to Jon Acuff, just for being who he is and producing the work that he does. The pragmatist in me is really glad that I didn't spend the last two months thinking that all my problems were solved and I was coasting down Easy Street, only to have my utopian ideals of the future get nuked into pieces on Wednesday night/early Thursday morning. I also want to apologize to Jon Acuff for not capitalizing on the feedback he gave me. Also, for the length of this post (I swear, the next one will be shorter). I think it's really cool that a published author would take the time to read through a bunch of his fans' annoying drivel and give them a few quick tips on how to improve it and I absolutely HATE it when I, I, *I* put effort into something and people don't respond by changing their whole lives because of it, which is pretty much exactly what I did to him. I also want to pepper all of this with the tiniest bit of hatred for confronting me through his book with the ideas that I shouldn't expect to find a job that allows my brain to hibernate while raking in excruciatingly ridiculous amounts of money, and that any dream I have of doing so is boring and unfulfilling.
I don't know what I'm going to do from here but, oddly enough, I'm not really freaking out about it. I've had a few friends approach me with some project ideas in the last couple of months, so I'm going to see if any of those have potential to turn into money-making opportunities. If not, I'll probably pick up some extra hours at Home Depot until I figure out what else to do. I think I'll start updating my 'blog on Fridays and hopefully next week I'll be able to keep things under 1,000 words. If not, well... at least I tried.
- P -
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