...metaphorically speaking, of course... I'm extremely allergic to horses and have never actually been in a saddle to be thrown out of it. Whatever. That's not what I'm here to 'blog about.
So today marks the end of a sabbatical that didn't last as long as I had planned. Originally, I was going to leave my computer with a friend until December 1st in the hopes that something about my life would change dramatically in the interim. Not to say it didn't have its moments, but... let's just say I'm still a human being on planet Earth with the same struggle to live as before.
I've been talking with some folks over the last week or so about the effect that going without a computer has had on me. If nothing else, it's definitely opened me up to community in a way that I didn't have before. It's been interesting to see the cavalcade of humanity that filters through the business center on a regular basis. I say that as though it's been some diverse array of people from all walks of life... mostly it's just been old ladies who are too cheap/inexperienced to actually buy a computer for themselves. There was the black lady who would download podcasts from her church and participate in the Hallelujah choruses, the lady who bought a new phone and didn't know how to work it, and the lady who was always complaining about how poorly the internet was working when, in reality, it was the cheap computers the apartment provides as an amenity that were usually acting up. I guess everybody's gotta have something to complain about.
The problem for me in all of this was how much it crippled me in being able to interact with people. On the one hand, my computer had become something of an isolation machine; something I could use as a security blanket to keep from having to go outside and deal with people directly. However, not having it at my instantaneous disposal for a few weeks helped me to see a lot of the benefits I imagine most people get from it when they use it as more than just an $800 porn/World of Warcraft jukebox. The business center was only open during certain hours and, my work schedule being what it is, I was usually either having to cram my "to do" list into a short hour here or there before or after work. I'm not entirely sure why, but it's been difficult to coordinate and keep track of all the necessary components of doing a budget, sending out résumés, people I need to touch base with, etc. having to run up and downstairs between my apartment and the front office. I applied for a job last week by e-mailing a woman from my phone, telling her I would send her my résumé the next afternoon when I would be free and the business center would be open. I won't blame the fact that I haven't heard back from her solely on that, but I can't imagine it conveyed a high degree of confidence in my having-it-all-together-ness.
I guess the bottom line is that, while having a computer can create a danger for me in providing an opportunity to just check out and stop being productive, not having a computer pretty much robs me of any possibility to be productive at all. And not just in the sense of "Everybody uses computers these days" or "Man, it sucks to not have my iTunes anymore," even though both are true... but, I mean, just take this for example. I've really wanted to 'blog a lot over the last week or so, but I haven't been able to squeeze that in alongside everything else that I've needed to do with the short amount of time I have access to a computer without some distraction happening around me. Plus, I've lost a lot of momentum not making this a daily thing. I had a pretty good thing going toward the end of September, and then I lost it. And then, right when I should've knuckled down and gotten started again, I cut myself off at the knees and gave up my computer.
Ugh. I feel like I'm running circles around this thing, so I'm just gonna check today off the calendar and get on with my day. Suffice it to say, I can't do the things I want to do without a computer. I just can't. Whatever problems or issues that brings along with it, I'm gonna have to learn to deal with it and move on because I'll never get where I need/want to be just hiding in the dark. I can do this. I guess the only question at this point is whether or not I will.
It's good to be back. I'll see you all again soon. Take care of yourself. :)
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