Hello, 2011, You're Right On Time...

...three weeks after the actual occurrence.  God, what a terrible way to ring in the new year.  Better late than never, I suppose, but jeez... it's like I graduated from college and forgot how time works.  Some days I feel as though the best I can ever hope for is to apply direct pressure and hope that time doesn't bleed out completely before the paramedics arrive.  I guess this is what all those old people were always trying to tell me about enjoying my youth while I have it, but I can hardly see how this could be enjoyable.

Regardless, it is a new year and with it come new opportunities.  Over the course of the last month, I've had to slough through a death in the family, the holidays, and moving, three of life's biggest stresses that I can think of off the top of my head.  Despite feeling myself to be behind or at some kind of disadvantage for having squandered the first three weeks of the year, I'm not going to apologize or make excuses for it.  I spent three weeks relaxing and getting settled in to my new apartment, sort of taking a break and recovering from a really hectic month of December, but I'd really like to keep from making it four.

I shaved my head on Monday night as part of a cleansing ritual for the new year.  I hate making resolutions and trying to convince myself that I'm turning over a new leaf and everything is going to change and be different effective immediately, because a.) it's never true and b.) it's such a waste of energy.  There's little use for me to talk about what I'm going or ought to do, because it never seems to turn the corner into actual behavior.  I feel like shaving my head is a good physical metaphor because it's kind of a down-to-business action for me.  I have a lot of hair that takes time and effort to manage (unless I'm going for "The Lyle Lovett," which still requires a nightly shower and sleeping on it just so to come out right), so cutting it all off is kind of a reminder to stop fussing around about the aesthetics of my life and get down to action.  I dunno, maybe it's dumb, but I like it and it works for me.

Also, I meant to say something about the idea of resolutions.  I always scoff at making resolutions because everybody always makes the same ones: I'm going to quit smoking, lose weight, exercise more, etc.  I hate anything that's pre-packaged or expected.  But I always seem to end up making them, because I always think "Why not?  It's just as good a time as any to <fill in the blank with whatever thing I'm trying to do/quit doing>."  But there's always this slump that happens toward the end of January where it's been three weeks and I've either abandoned the willpower necessary to not do whatever it is I was trying to quit or lost traction on the new thing I was trying to start and only ended up doing once or twice.  I'm a pretty easily discouraged person anyway, so being confronted with my own inability to make a decision and stick with it pretty much guarantees a week of puttering around my apartment in a bathrobe and eating nothing but carbohydrates and simple sugars.

I've been thinking a lot, though, about the principles around which my life is centered, and I think that's why resolutions don't work for me: I'm expecting some out-of-the-blue decision to compensate for a lack of discipline in whatever area of my life I'm trying to change.  I want to chart my success at a 45-degree angle of growth (or better) and not have to experience any sort of setback or overcome any kind of difficulty.  I feel like I should start developing better principles in my life, ones that I work hard to live by and afford myself enough grace to fail and be okay when I don't.  So what if I don't floss every day or lose as much weight as I wanted by my target date?  Who's going to punish me for my failure?  What difference does it really make?  If I floss more than twice a month for the entire next year, that'll still be more consistent than I ever have been in my life.

I saw The King's Speech recently and if you haven't seen it, you should.  It's about King George VI working to overcome a stutter in the years leading up to World War II.  Besides being a great film with superb actors in it, I really like the idea of a stammering king.  There's something attractive to me about seeing someone wrestle with what it is about their lot in life that qualifies and/or disqualifies them from being effective in it, I think maybe because of what I just described about myself.  It's hard for me to remember, sometimes, that I am the sole authority when it comes to making decisions in my life.  There is a way that is right and good and godly, to be sure, but I'm the one with his finger on the button.  I'm the one who has to decide what today is going to look like.  I'm the only one with any control over how orderly and productive I am.  And if I'm not as productive as somebody else thinks I should be, or if they think I did it all wrong, then to hell with them.  I don't know why I can't hold that thought in my head longer than five minutes at a time, but sometimes it's good to be reminded.

I'm back, baby... whatever that means and whatever it looks like from here, it is what it is and it will be what it will be.  Until next time... Tata!

- P -