The aftermath of Friday's 'blog has been interesting, to say the least. I've managed to upset and offend some people that I wasn't necessarily trying to upset or offend, and impress some others I wasn't necessarily trying to impress. Also, I don't think anybody has watched even a little bit of the movie. Which is weird, because out of everything, I kinda expected that to be the component of it that people complained about and hated the most.
This isn't to say that I don't appreciate the feedback/reaction I've gotten; in fact, quite the opposite. The sentiments expressed to me thus far have been forthright and honest, two qualities I appreciate most out of everythimg in life. But the overall tone of it seems to have had a depressing effect on the interactions I have with people, like someone close to me they never knew has died and they're worried they might say something wrong to set me off crying. It's an odd thing to try and describe.
Odder still is the effect that it had on me, personally. It was something of a purging effect, like I was able to articulate the guilt and shame and weight of it all to such an extent that I was able to remove it from myself objectively, without having to psych myself out of it or compensate for it in some way. Usually, there's a sort of "time heals all wounds" effect that takes place in which nothing really takes place to make anything better, per se, but enough time passes to where I just don't dwell on it as much. This other thing is a relatively new phenomenon for me, as guilt and shame are something of a staple in my life. I don't exactly know why, but I've always had a sense of disapproval following me around like a Charlie Brown rain cloud, showering me with disappointment and nay-saying. I often feel like I'm doing something wrong; like everyone I know would be hurt or angry if they knew who I really was and what I was really like; like I'm only going to fail and make a mess out of everything; like I should stop trying to change and accept that I'm always going to be screwed up this way. It impacts almost everything I do in life and I rarely experience any moments without this presence blaring its message over the loudspeakers of my mind. Friday afternoon was a welcome departure from that, and I think something about the 'blog was responsible. As I continued to think about it over the weekend, I came to a couple of conclusions.
Conclusion 1: Part of the reason that pornography has held such a presence in my life for as long as it has is because I haven't ever really had any sort of established structure in my life where I could talk about it openly and have meaningful discussions about what it is and why it has such a strong sway over my thinking and my behavior. There's a sort of moratorium on conversations about porn in our culture, unless it's a drunken frat guy talking about how awesome it is or some old white-haired preacher yelling about how despicable and perverted it is and how people should be ashamed of themselves for it. The idea that porn might be damaging is scoffed at from the one side and the thought of holding an open discussion about what those damages are and how to mend them gets all but completely shut out by the other. If the rule is true that 10% of the people are responsible for 90% of the communication, there are 80% of us floating somewhere between the preacher and the frat guy, many of us caught up in the teeth of the thing and hopeless that we're capable of anything but drowning. Embracing our sexuality and acting on every impulse we had is what got most of us here and flooding ourselves with guilt is what keeps most of us going back to it. There's got to be something else out there.
Conclusion 2: If you adhere to the Christian faith, pornography is a sin. Being disrespectful toward your parents is a sin. Alcoholism is a sin. Stealing is a sin. A sin is a sin. There's nothing special about pornography. It's just one more thing on a list of stuff that Jesus died to forgive. Just like any other sin, there's a reason it's tempting, there's a reason it's wrong, and there's a decision moment where you have to choose whether to trust that what God says about it is true or whether you're going to rely on your own ability to determine what's right for yourself. I don't mean to marginalize or mitigate the damage that pornography causes or act like it's not a serious problem, but to act like it has some sort of magical quality that makes it more damaging or more serious than any other sin a person could commit is a lie, and lying is a sin, too.
Today marks exactly a 365 days since I last had a drink. Most of you aren't going to understand the miracle that is because you never knew me to be an alcoholic. A lot of people will express their admiration for it like you'd admire someone for not eating sugar or watching TV for a year, and I'm okay with that. I was exceptionally good at justifying it or playing it off as nothing and I was even better at hiding it. But the truth is that there was a point in my life when I had no ability to hope for anything outside of drinking. For better or worse, there was no pain that couldn't be endured or joy that couldn't be celebrated with a good, stiff drink. Or two. Or twenty. Everything I did, said, or thought revolved around when I had last drank and when my next drink would be. If I was in a situation where I couldn't drink, I was angry and irritable. If I felt like somebody was challenging me on how much I drank or whether I had a problem, I usually belittled them and made them out to be the one with the problem and I stopped associating myself with them in the future. I was a miserable person and I made the people around me miserable, too.
Then one day, I got dangerously close to the edge of a cliff I didn't think I could recover from falling over and I decided to stop lying to myself. I stopped looking for a comparative standard by which to judge myself and feel okay with what I was doing and, instead, asked myself what honest to God freedom would look like and, if it were actually possible for me to achieve, how I could go about it. I began looking for ways in which I could take small, manageable steps toward something healthy and positive. I surrounded myself with people who would hold me accountable and help me when I struggled and I stopped worrying about whether or not I was a good or bad person and worked on just trying to be a sober one. And after a while, a few days turned into a few weeks since my last drink. Then it became a few months. Now it's been a year.
I say this because I need to connect some ideas to it. First, I don't know how long it's gonna be this way, but I think I'm going to start using my 'blog as a guide for walking through the process of sobriety and tying it into my struggle with porn. I may lose the last five people I actually have as an audience, but I don't care. There's nothing I would trade for what has been accomplished with the last year of my life and nothing I wouldn't give to see that happen in the next year. If it means losing the opportunity to gain a massive following of adoring fans, so be it. I'm not much good to you in my present condition anyway. Second, like I said before, there's a pretty serious resistance to talking about porn in our culture, and I don't think it's just because nobody wants to get too carried away on the frat guy/preacher spectrum. There are some fairly hefty stigmas attached to sexual brokenness/addiction/sin, not least of which are labels like "pervert" or "freak" or "degenerate filth," and sometimes you just need to see somebody stand up and say "Yeah, I guess I am," before you can say "Yeah, me too." I guess if those are labels you want to ascribe to me, go ahead. Or maybe you want to dismiss me as crazy and awkward and unnecessarily guilt-ridden. Whatever. The point is, there comes a time when you have to get past the labels and deal with the problem and I feel like that's where I am. So make what you will of it. This is what it is.
Mostly, though, I just want to see my life be revolutionized again. I don't know if I can adequately explain what a different wavelength of existence I've been tripping on for the last twelve months (though I'm certainly going to try). It's like I was born in a mental hospital and I've just spent the last year learning what it's like to live outside of the straitjacket. And, to be honest, I'm not even sure I can imagine what that would look like if it suddenly began to apply to this area of my life. What I do know is that the same God who guided me through sobriety promises to be faithful throughout all areas of my life and there's an entire generation of your sons and brothers who need to know not only that it's possible to be free from this, but how it's possible.
This has truly been a year worth remembering and I thank you all for being part of it.
Grace and peace to you,
Pairsh
Mostly, though, I just want to see my life be revolutionized again. I don't know if I can adequately explain what a different wavelength of existence I've been tripping on for the last twelve months (though I'm certainly going to try). It's like I was born in a mental hospital and I've just spent the last year learning what it's like to live outside of the straitjacket. And, to be honest, I'm not even sure I can imagine what that would look like if it suddenly began to apply to this area of my life. What I do know is that the same God who guided me through sobriety promises to be faithful throughout all areas of my life and there's an entire generation of your sons and brothers who need to know not only that it's possible to be free from this, but how it's possible.
This has truly been a year worth remembering and I thank you all for being part of it.
Grace and peace to you,
Pairsh
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