...so it's been a while since I 'blogged and the last one was kind of anemic and a bit of a downer. Hopefully this one will have a bit more substance and end on a more positive note. But who knows?
I've been back and forth to Dallas twice in as many weeks now, which composes about half of the trips I've made up there in the last year or so. It's reminded me of what a love/hate relationship I have with Dallas and how good it is for me to go back there from time to time. There's almost a perfect 1:1 ratio of things that draw me to it versus things that make me wish I could teleport away from it by closing my eyes tight and wishing real hard. For every person I miss or place I like, there's another one close by that sucks my soul straight out of my anus. I tense up and stress out just being there, but seeing certain people and things helps me to relax in ways and for reasons I didn't even know I needed to. Call it a perspective thing, I guess, but it's definitely a net positive.
I've also been battling a fairly hefty dose of depression of late. Somewhere between turning 28 and not having a real job and coming to terms with the statement "I'm addicted to pornography," I just got really sad about nearly everything in my life and felt like a complete waste of space. I know it's a lie and I've got a lot to be happy about/proud of, but you have to understand: addiction is addiction, no matter what the substance. Tell a crack-head or a speed freak that he's got a lot to live for and he's throwing his life away and, odds are, he won't even hear you. He'll go right back to doing all his crazy drugs and thinking all his crazy thoughts and maybe somewhere along the way remember flashes of a conversation he had with you at some distant, hazy point in the past. It's tough, man.
I'm slowly but surely coming out of it, though. I've always found that structure, while not salvation itself, is definitely a big push in the right direction for me. I've been putting together spreadsheets and game-plans of what I want the next couple of weeks to look like and it's been really good. Just plotting out where I'll be and when is a big deal because it helps me keep from wasting time on things I shouldn't/don't want to be doing. It's just like budgeting your money or any other resource in life, for that matter: if you don't make a plan for it, you tend to lose a lot more than you realize you had.
Oddly enough, in spite of trying to appropriate some structure into my life, I've decided to not be so rigid about doing things like riding my bike and 'blogging. I've talked before about how a sense of obligation to something can kill my desire to do it, and that's definitely been part of why I haven't updated in such a long time. I kinda got used to having people tell me how much the liked such-and-such 'blog and actually started allowing my moods to be set by how many people had read my 'blog on a given day. I didn't really talk about it because I didn't really want the feedback, but I kinda just decided to post my last 'blog and not do another one until I got out of the funk I was in. Now that I'm getting out of it, I think I'll probably start doing two or three a week again, but don't hold me to that. I changed the title so there's not a daily expectation and I guess you'll just have to keep tabs with me on Facebook or Twitter (which is pretty much the only way people get to this, I think?) to find out whenever I update.
Also, part of the complication and/or inability to set a firmly committed schedule comes from the fact that I'm using the business center computers at my apartment complex because I sent my computer to live in my friend/pastor's office for a while. Even without the pornography struggles, I waste an incredible amount of time mindlessly surfing the internet and playing World of Warcraft. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I think those are inherently evil things and I'm about to start a worldwide picketing campaign to bring them down... I just don't need the distraction right now. For now, I'm setting a goal of being without a home computer until December 1st, so we'll see how that all pans out. In the meantime, I need to be looking for jobs and apartments and getting back out on my bicycle. We'll see how things go until December and then make readjustments as needed after that.
K, guys... I really have a blast writing this thing and I appreciate all the encouragement I've gotten from you. I hope I don't just let you all down completely and you never come back, but I think you probably have enough insight as to what goes on in my head and my heart to recognize a change of pace as a good thing. It's not stopping completely and it's not full-steam-ahead, it's just whatever it happens to be right now and I'm okay with that. I hope you are, too. For now, I need to go submit a resume or two and I'll probably be back around tomorrow.
...but trust me, you'll be the first to know if somebody takes a weird poop in the bathroom at work again...
Piece
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