Quick and Dirty, But Going Deeper

I was originally just going to get on here, crack a few jokes, and leave you with some YouTube videos I've been watching lately, but then I remembered:

That's what Facebook is for.

I think the biggest temptation for me is to use this as yet another extension of my quirky, off-beat persona.  I like that people think I'm weird.  I like being able to throw out things you've never heard of or stuff you've forgotten about, because it distracts from all of the "real" stuff I have to deal with.  I can keep your attention off of my struggles and my shortcomings by posting old Bert and Ernie bits from Sesame Street or musing about the latest and greatest guitar player I'm currently hooked on.  They're such small and meaningless things, but it's such an effective way to keep anything from getting below the surface.

There are huge dangers in it, though, that I don't think most people realize.  For one, it sets a tone for public discourse that never encourages others to expand their horizons or think beyond what's comfortable or easy for them.  It preys on the part of us that wants to follow something bigger than we are, and we end up trading in the risks (and rewards) of searching out that greater thing for the security that we think comes from aligning ourselves with what's popular.  Instead of identifying the things that really make our passions come alive, we allow others to establish a social currency of what makes a person valuable and we work hard to try and earn it.  We devote vast sums of our resources to seeking out and acquiring the latest things and forsake the calling of our deepest desires.  In short, the idea is this: I don't care if you don't think I'm deep as long as you think I'm cool.

Second, I think there are profound needs of the human soul that can't be fulfilled through the kind of mindless entertainment that are deeply intertwined in our society's technological achievements.  It's like I said a few posts back, human beings were made to be strong and do incredible things, but I spend so much time trying to shut down whatever it is inside me that wants me to obey that calling.  I want to be able to waste time and money indiscriminately, without a single care in the world for the consequences, but I wasn't wired to do that.  I hate being unproductive and lazy.  I hate being bored.  I hate knowing that there's a whole world of stuff outside and a person inside of me that is made miserable by not going out and interacting with it.  I can't be happy and deny who I am.  Those are mutually exclusive ideas.

Lastly, coupling both of those ideas together, I have a deep-seated need to live a consistent and unified life; to know that I'm the same person regardless of wherever I am and whatever I'm doing.  I need the creativity I exercise through writing or drawing or painting to be a part of who I am everywhere else in the world.  I need the strength that drives me to go out and ride my bike for an hour (which I haven't done today, by the way) to carry over into my work and my social interactions.  I need to be able to say "I'm a recovering alcoholic" to both my family and the people I go to church with.  When I start compartmentalizing, when I start stowing away certain things in certain situations because I don't think they'd fly too well there, I start living out a lie.  And if all I'm going to do with this stupid thing is talk about how much I hate celebrity gossip or stuff I think is funny, then it's just another area of my life where I'm not being real.

So, here's what's real: I didn't want to 'blog today.  I didn't feel like I had anything to 'blog about and, frankly, am still wondering if I've said anything of value.  I'm worried that I'm starting off to a five-day trend of whining about the same crap over and over and curious how much longer I can keep it up, assuming that anybody is still reading this in a week, anyway.  Also, I have to be at work in 24 minutes, so I know that I'm kinda just churning stuff out just to say I did it.  And I know that's not the best, most ideal condition to be writing in.  But I also know that it's better than just trying to be cute and funny so that you guys will tell me that you liked the Sly and the Family Stone song I posted and I can politely smile and move on with my day, pretending like nothing's bothering me.

I guess that's all I've got right now.  It may not be the best, but it's not the lowest common denominator, either, and I can live with that.  Until next time...

Money And Sabbath Rest

So I very much need to do a budget.  Like, seriously.  Badly.

I hate being broke and wish that money would just stop being a problem, but it seems like the more I wish for that, the worse it gets.  I think I've probably spent a combined total of twenty minutes of my life living on a budget, and the weird thing is that those twenty minutes were awesome.  But I don't want to give myself over to a budget completely because then I'm giving control of my life over to something that isn't me.

Mostly, I hate the thought of living according to principles.  The thought that all my decisions pretty much get made before I ever have to face them scares the crap out of me, primarily because I want to leave myself room to be selfish whenever I feel like it.  I want to be able to do what I want, whenever I want, and I don't want to have to say no to myself because I hate having to do things that I'm not good at.

But, in a weird way, principles are where the peace comes from, too.  I don't have to freak out about whether or not I'm doing the right thing, because "the right thing" has been decided in advance.  The dogs in my head quit barking because nobody invited them to the party.  Principles have a way of simplifying things before they can get to be a mess and, in doing so, spare everybody a lot of pain and heartache because they don't let you go down a road that you already know is bad for you.

The weirdest thing, though, is how much more free you really are to pursue so many other things.  When you don't have to sit around and hash out the details and the worries of everything that might go wrong, you save yourself from wasting so much time, energy, money, and whatever else that you're able to take advantage of opportunities that would otherwise be closed to you.

It's so counter-intuitive, though... it's so against my nature.  I don't want to give up control that way, even though I know I should.  For some reason, I usually find that I'd rather struggle along, worrying myself to death about what I'm doing and barely having enough time to do it in.  And I'm so sick of that.

Budgeting is such a simple thing, I think, that most people (myself included) overlook its importance.  I think it ends up flying below the radar for most people because it isn't as loud and noisy and ridiculous as all the things we're asked to spend our time and money on instead.  You're never going to see a commercial for budgets.  You won't see an ad on T.V. suggesting that you turn it off and go spend time with your family.  But it's so crucial, that I don't really see my life functioning very well without it.  There's a margin that gets built into a life well-spent that I don't feel like I have.  I don't get much sleep these days, and when I do, it's never very restful.  I feel tired all the time and I worry all the time about whether or not I'm going to end up over-drafting later on because of some stupid purchase I'm in the middle of making that I know I don't need.  It's like that with time, too.  I feel so busy and rushed to get from one thing to the next that I feel like I'm leaving all of these loose ends in my life: projects left undone or conversations left unfinished.  I can't think of a time in the last two months that I haven't felt like that at least ten times in a day.

So, in a bizarre wrap-up with no segue, I think I'm gonna give myself Sundays off from 'blogging.  I've had the whole day off today and I haven't really been very productive with it.  I know it may seem stupid to say "I'm not going to do something I regard as productive because I need to be more productive," but I think I need to be more intentional with the time I have and learn to be selective with what I do and when I do it.  I'm gonna try to work on a budget this week, but I'm also gonna try to work out a schedule that blocks out where I'm gonna be and when.  I know that making this a matter of public record is probably gonna come back and bite me because all my friends are gonna think that I'm just using it as an excuse to ignore them, but whatever... I'm sick of being broke and tired all the time and I'm ready to do something about it.

See you later... if I have the time...

Time's A-Wastin'

Second only to the motivation/self-discipline it takes to make this a daily habit, finding the time is probably the most difficult part about this whole process.  It's such an interruption of the daily activities.  I won't be excused for being late to work and I'm not going to ask people if they can reschedule things because I need to update my 'blog.  In fact, if you're looking for a quick and easy way to lose friends and/or a job, just let everybody know they rank somewhere on your scale of "Important Things In Life" just below your 'blog.

It's so hard to start something new, especially if you weren't raised to be the most super-proactive person on the planet.  Part of me wishes I could lay down in bed one night and just melt into a puddle that evaporates slowly and is never expected to reform.  Another part of me wishes I could wake up one morning with this overwhelming sense of purpose and priorities that just kick into gear all of a sudden and take over everything.  But that's not really how it works.

Probably the biggest lesson I learned in college was the need to show up for the beating.  Allow me to explain.  When I was a freshman (which was a long time ago), I thought that everybody else was just brimming with excitement to be in college and going to class and studying and writing papers and that I was somehow broken or defective because I didn't feel the same way.  In fact, that sentiment was what eventually drove me to drop out.  I thought that, in order to finish, you had to be possessed of this overwhelming joy at the prospect of becoming a responsible adult who woke up before 8 AM and drank coffee and got things done.  Knowing that I lacked it, I sort of just wandered off, hoping to find it somewhere in the rank-and-file of "the real world."  I figured (for whatever reason) that getting a job and paying rent and having to figure out how to make it on my own would teach me how to grow up and love being responsible.

But over time, I realized that I hated it.  I didn't want to become an adult and I hated having to take care of all of these stupid things like bills and groceries and making sure that stuff got paid on time.  I really wanted to just be left alone so I could drink and play video games or... well, that was pretty much it.  I never wanted to do much more than that.  I assumed that if I waited around long enough, all that other stuff would just fall into place without me having to work at it.  I figured it wouldn't be too much longer, that I'd get around to it next week or next month or at least before my next birthday.

Then one day I woke up and realized that it had been four years.

I kinda started panicking, because out of everything you can waste, time is the only thing you can't get back or make more of.  I started adding up all the money I had been flushing down the drain and seeing that the cost of maintaining my life was starting to outweigh the benefit of what I was producing with it.  I felt worthless.  Which only added to the overall lack of drive I was suffering from.

Once I started grounding my life in principles, though, that started to change.  I started to think less in terms of what was ahead of or behind me and more in terms of what was right in front of me.  I realized that where I wanted to be tomorrow was impacted by what I did with today.  I started going through the process of re-enrolling, regardless of whatever doubts and insecurities I had (and trust me, there were plenty).  Along the way, I began to realize that my ability to get things done wasn't dependent on how I felt that day, but whether or not I was willing to do the work involved in climbing whatever my next step was.  By the end, after two and a half years of making those kinds of decisions, the work became something like a reflex: all I had to do was get out of bed in the morning and the rest of my day was pretty much set out in front of me.

Graduating, though, has kinda changed things.  There's no registrar to tell me what my schedule is going to be and no teachers to give me my next assignments.  There's no campus to go to where everything important happens.  It's kinda just me and God and the whole rest of the world.  If I choose to be productive, that's good.  If I choose not to, there's nobody around to tell me I can't.

That's why I think that it's good for me to make 'blogging a part of my daily routine: precisely because I have to find time to do it.  Which, I understand, is a weird thing to say.  It's kinda like tithing or lifting weights - part of what you're developing is the simple discipline it takes to make it a priority in the first place.  Yes, there are incredible benefits to tithing, working out and (I'm hoping) 'blogging.  It's good to know that a portion of your finances are being used to help others in need, or that you're developing your body into something that isn't just a flabby chunk of Doritos® and marshmallow cream, and I don't want to down-play those aspects of it.  But there's something to be said for the discipline it takes to even care about those things in the first place.

In the book of Ephesians, Paul talks about living wisely "because the days are evil."  I used to think that he meant that like, today's society is evil or kids these days are evil, but I think he's actually talking about the nature of time itself.  Like I said before, time is something that you never get back and you have to either reconcile what you've already lost and start making better decisions about what to do with the rest of it or just keep floundering around and adding to the things you already hate yourself for.  And it's not really even something you can just decide one day and you're done forever.  You have to keep coming back to the table and making a new choice about it every morning.

But, whatever... I can't sit around and muse about this all day.

I'm Such A Bad Adult

Man, it's only day two (or still day one, depending on how you look at it), and I'm already sick of this thing.  Okay, so maybe I'm not sick of it... but I definitely had to force myself to sit down and do it.  I guess it's just like anything else you start in life.  It's kinda awkward and difficult when you first get going, but then you start getting used to it and maybe even pick up some tricks that make it a little easier to continue.

Problem is, that's usually when I lose momentum and crash.  I have a bicycle that I've only been on once in the last three weeks and it stares at me like a neglected ex-girlfriend from the corner of my living room.  Three weeks ago, coincidentally, is when I made a bunch of upgrades to my bike and got a helmet.  Before that, I was just plugging along with crap tires and faulty shifters, risking life and limb (and my huge, melon-like noggin) on the mean streets of the Anderson Mill/Parmer/McNeil area.  For some reason, though, adding all that new stuff just sort of killed it for me, and I don't really know why, either. 

I really enjoyed riding my bike.  I liked being active and feeling healthier and I even started losing a little bit of weight.  I re-discovered the pleasure that comes from working off one's anxieties and then taking a cold shower to wash them all away.  I started to notice the slightest bit of definition in my calves and even got a decent tan for the first time in years, but then it all just sort of dissipated.  Something about having newer, better gear made it feel like an obligation; like I had to go ride because of how much money I had spent.  All of a sudden, the sweet call of the open road started being drowned out by the loudspeaker in my brain telling me how stupid it was to buy $300 worth of junk that's just going to accumulate dust because I'm never going to use it.  A month ago, you would've had to fight me to keep me off my bike.  It had become a vital part of my existence and I needed that time to be able to process things, to set new goals for myself, and to get the motivation to attack life that only comes from having accomplished something substantial and recent and strenuous.

And then *poof* here we are.  I won't even make eye-contact with my bathroom scale anymore because I'm afraid it'll just turn on by itself and tell me how much weight I've gained without waiting for me to step on it.

I think maybe if I had abandoned my bicycle in order to start lifting weights or swimming more, I probably wouldn't feel so guilty about it.  Somehow, though, I get this feeling like if my bike were a guy that I knew who I had to see every day and he asked me why I quit hanging out with him so much, it would probably hurt his feelings to tell him the truth: I prefer smoking cigarettes and spending money frivolously and hanging out with people who don't make me work so hard.

I feel like this is why I'm such a bad adult.  Well, at minimum, I'm a bad adult.  At worst, I think it makes me a terrible human being.  Our bodies were designed to be active and powerful and enduring and productive and all I really want to do is waste the one I was given.  I don't like the thought of getting fat and dying of cancer or having a stroke or a heart attack, but the only thing I hate worse is the thought of abandoning the air-conditioned safety of my apartment by peeling my lazy butt out of this gigantic, awesome desk chair and going outside where it's hot and muggy and gross and thirsty and tired and sweaty and blecchh... I don't want to experience pain and I don't want to have to say no to myself.  Sometimes I feel like that's all my life is, finding out that some other thing that I've enjoyed and done for years is bad for me and I should quit.

I wonder if this is how it goes for everybody.  I hear other people talk about working out or some diet they're on and I immediately feel the scarlet letters of my soul creeping toward the surface to let everyone else know what a dirty and self-indulgent person I am.  I wonder if maybe everybody is passing along a note that has all the answers on it and it just hasn't gotten around to me yet.  Or maybe everybody else got rid of the criticizing loudspeaker and replaced it with a nice set of reasonably-volumed ear buds that whisper nice and encouraging things to them (maybe that's what everybody else is listening to while they run).  Maybe, if you're going to do good things for yourself, you have to start when you're younger and I'm too old now to really change.  Maybe everybody else just listens to the drum that beats in time with their hearts and trusts it to lead them better than I do.

Whatever the case, I know that I can't change what I've done and I can't really even change where I'm at.  I can change how I move forward, and that's a big deal.  It's where the change really comes from.  It's how I quit drinking.  It's how I graduated from college.  It's not pretty and I'm sure there are people out there who can tell you how to do it better or quicker or with greater style or accuracy.  But it works.  I know it works.

So here we are... another 'blog down and another day started.  Admittedly, I slept 'til noon and I don't have time to ride my bike today because I have to go get ready for work now.  But I did manage to eat and squeeze in a shower and a couple episodes of The Daily Show.  Those other things are details that we can work on tomorrow.  I think the trick is to focus on what's in front of you and what you can do with the opportunity you have and try to do something good for yourself.  Even if it is only one thing.  Even if it's small.

I guess we'll see how it goes from here.  If you see a doughy white guy on a bike wearing the largest helmet you've ever seen, you'll know that some level of progress has been made.  Just try not to laugh too much.  He's doing the best he can.

First Entry...

...so technically, it's already tomorrow, which means that if I make another one today (and I plan to), I'll have to change the title to "Two-Things-A-Day," but whatever, it's my 'blog and I can do what I want with it...

Ohhhhhh, man... What have I gotten myself into?  This feels like such a bad idea...

I guess that I should start from the beginning, this being my first one and all.  I've been prompted by a number of people who have known me throughout the years to produce some kind of tangible outlet for my writing.  Most of them have recommended I write a book, but the curse that offsets the "gift" of creativity is a crippling fear of any major undertaking that would expose oneself to the public eye, which leads to a lot of wishy-washy excuses and a TON of procrastination.  Besides, I don't have an agent or a publisher or any idea of where to get started finding either one.  So, right there, the idea of a 'blog has always seemed to be a nice compromise.

There is, however, a problem: 'blogs are such a cheezy, low-rent version of creativity.  It seems like a really prepackaged, unoriginal way of doing things, like a virtual paint-by-numbers or a coloring book for interwebbers.  I know that it would be incorrect to say that everybody has a 'blog, but most people that do are the kinds of people I don't want to associate myself with.  I don't want to be lumped in the same category as some dopey college student in skinny jeans sitting at their local Starbucks, assaulting the world with the melodrama of their lives, desperately struggling to establish their independence of thought and deed on a Mac book that their parents bought for them.

Alas, I digress.  The crux of the matter is thus: I need to write.  Not only do I need to write, but I need to be doing it so that other people can read and respond to it.  Writing is, for better or worse, something I'm (supposedly) good at and if I'm not actively engaging the process, then I'm not doing myself any favors and have no right to complain about how boring and uninspiring my job/life is.  In fact, not only am I not doing myself any favors, I'm actively working against myself, getting lazy and sloppy and not challenging myself to stay engaged and work hard and move toward something better and more active and alive than I did the day before.  As a good friend once said about engaging his own passions, "If this is really something I'm wired to do, it would be detrimental to me not to pursue it."

And so, here you have it: my 'blog.  I call it "Thing-A-Day" because I plan to post something every day.  I got the idea from Jonathan Coulton's "Thing-A-Week," where he would write and record a new song every week for an entire year in an effort to push himself creatively.  I don't wanna jinx myself by attaching a time-table to it, but I like the idea and I think he was on to something.  It still feels awkward and unwieldy and obnoxious and self-centered and I guess I'm just going to have to get over it.  It's good for me to do this.  I just hope it's not a total beating for you to read it.

Just a heads-up, I'll be tweaking things periodically, like layouts and formatting and colors and such.  Also, I'll probably try messing with stuff like links, music, videos, etc.  Feedback on things that work (or don't) would be appreciated (I still know so little about this process that I don't know whether you'll be able to comment on this or not.  You can e-mail me at undignifiedpairsh@gmail.com and let me know what you think. [again, I don't know if that shows up somewhere on here for you or not. Sorry if I'm being redundant.]).

So, for those of you who (in some way) put me up to this, I hope you're happy.  Like, sincerely... I hope it lives up to all the nice things you think about me/my writing and that you'll follow it regularly and that you'll hold me accountable to posting daily and that you don't get in trouble at work for reading it on the clock.  (Actually, that last one's a lie: I kinda hope you do get in trouble for that.)  For everybody else, I don't know what to hope.  I don't really hope you're happy because I don't want to be disappointed if you aren't.  And I don't hope you're miserable, because that would be a terrible thing to hope for somebody.  I guess I hope to find some waypoint along the continuum between the miraculous joys of humor and entertainment and the poverty of boredom.  And I guess I hope that for you because, ultimately, I guess that's what I hope for myself and why I'm doing this in the first place.  If I can take you on that journey with me, then I guess it's serving its purpose.

So here it is.  I won't promise much, other than to try.  If it takes off and turns into something, well... I kinda don't even wanna put that out there for fear of getting my hopes up.  I will say, though, that if it fails miserably and they like, shut down the Internet because of how bad it is, it won't be for lack of trying.  Ready or not, here goes nothing...