I got a new job yesterday!!! I'm going to be a full-time fabricator for Blue Genie Art Industries, which (for those of you who don't have art degrees and/or aren't trying to impress everybody with your new job title) basically translates into being a commercial artist. I'm beyond excited about it because I get to work with some insanely talented people working on major projects for clients all over Austin and even across the country as a whole. A month ago, I didn't even know this place existed and even when I found out about it, I couldn't have imagined I'd get to work there. It would be like a kid going to Disneyland for the first time, not only to find out that it's all real, but to then end up as a part of his own Disney movie.
Not being one to just sit and enjoy himself for more than five minutes, though, some immediate worries come to mind. First, the practical stuff. It's an entry-level position with an entry-level wage and I'm going to have to figure out how to come up with the difference between my paycheck and my living expenses. Second, there's all the insecurities. What if they don't like me after my first day/week/month on the job? What if they think my ideas are stupid? What if I screw something up? What if it turns out that they're not really the high-octane, incandescent art machine that I thought they were? What if they are, but I'm not? I could go on, but I need to stop before I work myself into a frenzy.
But more than any of these, I'm worried that I'm going to become an insufferable know-it-all and all of my friends are going to hate me. I wasted a lot of time in my life before I got off my butt and got down to business and I've spent the last year sloughing through the trenches, looking for a job I really wanted and trying not to get too comfortable with "just getting by." Now that I found something I'm really passionate about, I'm afraid that I'll turn into this sickeningly positive jerk-hole who can't stop talking about his new, amazing job and how everyone can live their dreams if they just keep working hard and don't give up.
I know what it's like to be on the side of the fence that gets beaten down every day by their circumstances for so long that you feel like you can't do anything else but accept your fate and try to make the best of it. I know how annoying it is to listen to someone who's never been in your shoes tell you that you can do better and all you have to do is get over yourself and have a better attitude if you want to love your life. In short, I don't wanna have my head in the clouds. But I don't wanna be a cynic, either.
I spent fifteen minutes talking to the boss-man/interviewer before he offered me this job, but I spent the last five years leading up to that moment defining myself as a person and deciding what kind of life I wanted to have. I've overcome a torrent of bad decision-making, personal failure, addiction, loss, hardship, betrayal and over-all crap luck to get where I am, and I worked damned hard to do it. I had to learn how to face up to things I didn't wanna do and be self-motivated when all I wanted was go back to bed and show up for the beating and take my licks with a sense of humor and gratitude. I had to learn how to keep going and keep pushing forward, beyond what I ever thought I could handle, even when there was no reward or immediate relief in sight. I've earned the right to be proud of where I am and what I've accomplished and I really do believe that, if it's possible for me to overcome all the junk in my life, anybody can do it.
Maybe I need to stop worrying and just enjoy where I'm at for a while. Maybe one day I'll be able to play the "inspiration of hope for others" card without feeling a nagging sense of guilt and unworthiness in doing so. Heck, maybe I need to read up on how they treat people with Stockholm syndrome. But for now, I have a job I love that I've had to wade through swollen rivers of crap to get, and I actually look forward to going to work on Monday. I feel good about that. And I guess that's all that matters.
